Like the Dawn...

Kiddo

2012-02-08T18:22:00.001-07:00

Some days I really really really wish I lived closer to my brother.

Other days I just really wish I lived closer to my brother.

I call my brother Kiddo, even though he is 24.

It's what I've always called him.

It means that I love him.

(Bonus: a super awesome Stacey gets thrown in free!!!!!! It's like the best BOGO ever.)

Love you, Kiddo.

All I Want is My Radio

2012-02-04T20:41:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd share some of the songs I'm addicted to at the moment. Not listening to, addicted to. Yup.

First of all, I've been listening to a LOT of "Stars" lately. "Set Yourself on Fire" is one of my favorite all-around albums, and constantly lives in my car cd player. But I've been really digging their "Nightsongs" album, as well as their newer "In Our Bedroom After the War" album. Just good stuff.

Here's "My Radio (FM Mix) which is just a good, chill song.

Continuing with Star's "Nightsongs" album, I love "Going, Going, Gone."

And from their album, "In Our Bedroom After the War," here's "The Night Starts Here."

And "Take Me to the Riot."

And continuing in the sort of electronic genre, you can never get enough of New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle." At least I can't.

Circlesquare's "7 Minutes" is a little weird (in a good way), and I can't stop listening to it over and over again.

And Youth Group's version of "Forever Young" is too good not to listen to over and over again.

Breathing Only When Necessary

2012-02-02T22:48:00.001-07:00

So I've been going through old journals (online and paper) in order to recall how things were in high school. I don't have the best memory, and even though it was only 9 years ago, it seems like a LONG time ago. And since the book I want to write revolves around highschoolers... well, it seems important to remember.

So I think I'll be posting some poems/entries/thoughts I wrote when I was younger. Call it nostalgia.

This isn't from high school, it's from college (21st birthday weekend, to be exact), but I feel like it expressed exactly how I felt back then.

We left a graveyard of bones on the beach that day.
Blasted bottle rockets, red sticks jutting out of sand.
Brightly colored paper littered with warning–
we saw them as fallen comrades, brothers in arms,
dazzling in their short-lived glory.

The wind was so fast and it battered at the lighters
held within soft blazers as we huddled out the cold.
A spark and it was running towards the powder
a spark and we were running towards the water
a spark and we counted onetwothree and flung it upwards
to heaven.

The fire was burning and we watched the embers jump to blankets.
We held bottles and held each other up,
falling in the sand under dizzying lightness and cold and euphoria.
And to the darkness we fled, clothes pealing, voices reeling, conscience fleeting.
Hold me up under the weight of it all.

I could be 21 for the rest of my life,
laying in the sand and watching stars stroke the galaxy,
breathing only when necessary.

An actual picture of a bottle rocket from that night. Counted onetwothree and let it fly.

Gmork

2012-02-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

Source: theoatmeal.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Highs and Lows

2012-01-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

Today's Highs and Low:

+ I wore cute undies today. Yeah, I actually count that as a high.
- I started my new job without a trainer, and felt like an idiot for not knowing what to do.
- I hate change, so starting a new job stressed me out.
- I cried in front of my old co-workers when the new girl asked me to come over and help her on something.
+ I didn't cry in front of my new co-workers, which is good, because that would have made me feel worse.
+ My new co-workers are super nice and feel bad that I don't have a designate trainer. They're willing to help out as much as they can.
- I now work full time instead of four days a week. I hate that I have to work tomorrow. I love Tuesdays off.
+ I got my package from The Morbid the Merrier today and it's awesome. I'll do a review as soon as I've used everything.
+ The Young Adults group at church had a dinner tonight, followed by Evening Prayer. The dinner was delicious, there were a lot of new people, and Evening Prayer is both interesting and centering.
+ People seemed interested in the book group I'm going to help lead for the Young Adults.
- One of the main dishes tonight had shrimp in it, and bacon. And I can't eat it because I'm allergic to shrimp. It looked so so so good.
+ The vegetarian dish was still super good. Artichokes and squash and zucchini and onions and yummy.
+ There was wine. Enough said.
+ I'm not pregnant this month. Yeah, we want to get pregnant, but finding out I'm pregnant while starting a new job sounds like a bad combo. Maybe next month would be okay.
- I started my period on the first day of my new job, which probably had something to do with the crying at work thing.
+ Bryan and I bought copious amounts of chocolate at Kmart because we make good decisions.

So. All in all, not a terrible day.

Winter, Writing, Apathy.

2012-01-29T19:29:00.000-07:00

I start a new job tomorrow. I am not excited about it. I don't like change. In fact, I usually greet change with a vast amount of denial and not a little bit of anger.

But I start a new job tomorrow, whether I like it or not.

It's still at the hospital. It's the same computer program, but it's a whole new game. I'll be doing some clinical stuff with patients, fixing things, that sort of thing. And it appears that I will not have a trainer to show me the ropes. I guess my new manager (don't even let me start on that) figures I'll sink or swim.

Right now, I'd rather sink.

I'm feeling very apathetic about work. More and more I let myself fall into the fantasy, "What if I won the lottery?" or "What if I wrote a book that actually did well?" It's a lot of what-ifs, and not realistic, but I let myself slip into these possibilities all too easily. Bryan's the same way, I think. Neither of us are the career-driven people that we're supposed to be, if all the "follow your dreams" assemblies are to be believed. What's my dream? I'd like to wake up late, read a book, drink some coffee, and then some tea, take a nap, read some more, and maybe go out to dinner. And that's about it. Some TV now and then would be nice, as well as an outing with friends, grabbing a cup of coffee at a cafe. But all in all, I'd like the sort of life where pajamas are just as appropriate as business-casual.

Maybe it's winter. Maybe I'm just apathetic. I don't know.

I do know that we will hopefully get pregnant soon, and I will have to kiss those dreams of late mornings and lots of reading time goodbye. Unless we win the lottery, in which case the nanny who works 4 days a week will take the baby until I've had a full nights (days) rest.

Yep.

I'm having a hard time getting started on my novel. Every time I think, "I just need to start writing and it will come," I then think, "But I have no idea who my characters are! And what's a story without characters?" So I don't write my own stuff, I just extrapolate on other ideas. And it's nice, and it's helpful, but it's not mine.

How do you come up with entire people, full of back story and family and quirks? It's so difficult for me.

And yeah, I've been awful at blogging. I'm not just talking about my own, either. I have been absolutely terrible at reading other people's blogs. Just rubbish. Maybe it IS the winter. Maybe I really do need to start walking to work so I can catch some sunlight. I dunno.

I do like this advice. Warning: it does include a naughty word. But it's a quote from a movie (a good one, in fact) so I'm not going to censor it.

Source: thumbpress.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Now if only I could figure out a way to get paid....

Enneagram Thought of the Day

2012-01-19T00:23:00.001-07:00

Your Type One EnneaThought^sm for January 17^th—

Remember, you will grow by moving toward those things that are symbolized by Type Seven. How can you act on your natural curiosity and playfulness today?

Source: piccsy.com via snow on Pinterest

I've definitely been moving towards type Seven lately. I'm not sure if it's just a willingness to have fun and explore and relax, or if it's me grasping onto my "pre-children" life as tightly as possible. Because when Bryan and I get pregnant... well that's a whole new world, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah it really is.

*terrified.

Snow. Snow. Snow.

2011-12-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

Source: alysian-fields.tumblr.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Snow. Snow. Snow.

2011-12-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

Source: elizabethbunsen.tumblr.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Snow. Snow. Snow.

2011-12-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

Source: fotocommunity.de via Jessica on Pinterest

Snow. Snow. Snow.

2011-12-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

Source: flickr.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Ugh.

2011-12-20T20:23:00.003-07:00

Crap is going down at work and I am not sure if I'll have this same job next week. It's that ridiculous. My position at the clinic may be vastly changing, changing so much that it's not at all the same position. More hours, more work, same pay, plus working weekends and late shifts. Which is NOT what I was hired for, nor is it what I've been doing the last year.

I'm feeling angry, and bitter, and lost. I've had lots of wishy washy answers and I'm not sure what to make of it.

So I'm trying to ignore it. That's the plan. Better than fretting about it endlessly, I suppose. My favorite option: quit, write my novel, get published, because a best-selling author. Have I mentioned that I'm going to write a novel this year? Yeah, it's my New Years Resolution.

Oh, and get pregnant. That's a resolution as well. Sort of a big one.

So I'm in a pissy mood but it appears that listening to lots of eighties music and painting my names dark grey with silver glitter seems to help. That, plus lots of tea. And even more clementine oranges. I've had six today.

That's a lie. It was 7. Possibly 8, I'm not entirely sure. A lot. A lot of oranges.

So that's where I am right now. Bitter, frustrated, and planning on becoming a brilliant author so I don't have to deal with this 9-5 rubbish anymore. I'm sure I'll succeed.

Guess I'll always have my self-assurance, right?

Right.

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Snow. Snow. Snow.

2011-12-20T20:23:00.002-07:00

Source: bluepueblo.tumblr.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Portlandia Meets Battlestar Galactica

2011-12-19T19:40:00.003-07:00

Welp. I've just been convinced to watch BSG for the fourth time. Annnnd episode 1 (can I skip the mini-series?)

Snow. Snow. Snow.

2011-12-18T12:52:00.002-07:00

Source: leafde.blogspot.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Snow. Snow. Snow.

2011-12-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

Winter has made me fall in love with Jackson all over again.

Snow snow snow snow snow!

I will be posting some lovely winter scenes this week to remind us how pretty winter can be.

Source: luxefinds.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Annunciation

2011-12-18T12:34:00.000-07:00

Today at church Father Ken's newsletter included a really cool poem based on this fresco painted by Fra Angelico in the San Marco covenant in Florence.

source

The poem is apparently pretty obscure, and Father Ken couldn't find an author, but there was something about it that I really enjoyed, so I thought I'd share it.

ANNUNCIATION

In the ivory colored cloister

acanthus crowns the smooth columns.

Dark arches repeat the ceiling pattern,

the entry shows a small paned window.

Nearby a brown sentry of fence

has not kept out the awesome guest.

He kneels, flush-faced, brimming with purpose;

gold weaves a banner across his chest,

wings tiered amber, jade, carnelian.

She looks past him, her hands protective,

folded across her solar plexus.

In this painting she is not coy

or modest or turned away.

Her face is stark, almost aghast,

and we see soul fight for size.

More is asked than she has got.

It is the moment of summoning up

the language of another future.

We balk and most of us say no;

do not remember being asked.

But he painted and we look

because she saw - beyond the angel -

incipient death, despite the peace

of bell-shaped blossom, greening wood.

She would embrace it all and, yes,

she sent him flying with the news.

Snow. Snow. Snow.

2011-12-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

Source: Uploaded by user via Jessica on Pinterest

WebMD

2011-12-03T14:57:00.001-07:00

Moments of Clarity

2011-11-29T15:34:00.001-07:00

Source: flickr.com via Mekaleya on Pinterest

There have been moments in my life when I feel as I know exactly who I am at that moment. One of these moments was the fall semester of my sophomore year of college. I went to university an hour south of Chicago, to a strict and somewhat insane Christian liberal arts school. I would never suggest anyone go to this school, ever. If you are even considering Olivet Nazarene University, stop and turn around.

Anyways.

I had gone up to the city with some friends for the evening. We got dressed up a bit and met up with the boy I was dating at the time. We had a tenuous relationship, and while I believed that I loved him at the time, it was not a good pairing for either of us. He wasn't who I needed, and I wasn't who he needed. He could also be a bit of a prick.

So we had gone to dinner and it was fine, although I felt the strain between him and my friends. My friends at university were almost hipsters, but not quite. Still, they enjoyed the sort of things you'd think hipsters would enjoy: going to art galleries, blues clubs, that sort of thing. My boyfriend did not enjoy those sorts of things in the slightest, and he had a terrible (in my opinion) sense of humor. He and my friends did not mesh.

So we're walking the sidewalks of downtown Chicago and I'm frustrated at him because I'm not having a good time and he's complaining that I spend too much time with other people (even though I lived an hour away) and blah blah blah. And I'm arguing with him in public, which is super awkward. And suddenly I look down and see that I'm in a skirt and heels, walking in the city with a boy I don't even like all that much, and I'm holding a Starbucks cup in one hand and a cigar in the other (I haven't always made awesome choices). And I think, “My god, who am I?” I didn't want to be this snotty girl who looked so incredibly yuppie/waspish holding her coffee and cigar and arguing and wearing uncomfortable shoes and the reality of the situation hit me and left me cold. This is not who I was meant to be. And so over the next six months, I changed. I broke up with the boy and I changed my major and I concentrated on what I really wanted out of life, and it was good. It was a moment of clarity that told me I was headed in the wrong direction.

It took a while after I got married to truly feel like I was an adult. I got married at 22, which is super young, let's be serious. I knew that I was still immature but I trusted that when I felt like a child, Bryan could be the adult in the relationship. I know that sounds silly, but he'd been on his own a lot longer than me, and he was financially independent and stable and he knew how to do things like pay bills. So it made sense that I saw him as the “real” adult in the marriage. It was probably six months after the wedding that I woke up one morning and made my way to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “I'm a wife.” It seems silly, but all of a sudden I felt the gravity of exactly what that meant, and I finally accepted myself as a grown-up. It was a moment of clarity that confirmed what I should have already known. It told me that I was headed in the right direction.

It's been a while since I've had a startling moment of clarity like that. Now and then, of course, I feel those moments when my world is exactly as it should be. Usually it's something as mundane as Bryan and I driving in the car together and him reaching for my hand and squeezing it three times to tell me in our sort of Morse Code, “I love you.” It seems, for a second, as though everything is as it should be.

But the older I get (and let's be serious, I'm only 27), the more I wish the world was clearer to me. I was so sure of things as a child, especially in high school. Now... not so much. Sometimes I feel like I can grasp the difficult subjects and almost understand them... and then someone presents me with a philosophical query and I just want to go “shut up I don't know.” A friend of mine posed a question recently on Facebook regarding the “problem of pain” which is a huge discussion in the Christian (and non-Christian) world. And once again, I felt like I had a decent enough response, but even in my response, there's huge plot holes. I gave my point of view, but the question still remained there, boring into my psyche. While I gave an answer, it felt flat, even to me. I don't really want to go into the ins and outs of the discussion, because the specifics aren't exactly what matters. What I'm concerned with is the clarity of my position; by this I don't mean whether or not my answer was easy to understand. What I mean is this: do I really believe what I said? When I take a position on something as large and looming as the problem of pain, am I merely appeasing my own need to believe in something? Am I trying to make my intellect and my faith compatible?

The answer, of course, is yes. But that's true for anyone. There are those who like to see Jesus/God/the Divine as a Judge, the ultimate giver of justice in the multiverse (cause there may be more than one, folks). To them, God will balance the books at the end of this life and those who are found wanting will be punished, and rightfully so. Many cling to this idea of God because it appeases their sense of Justice. Wrongs will be made right, the guilty will be punished, the end. There is backing for this in the Bible. There are verses to point towards.

And there are those (like me, I'll admit) who prefer to see Jesus/God/the Divine as the personification of ultimate Love. To them, God knows us better than we know ourselves, and he will judge us not only by our actions and our words, but by our hearts. And for those of us (me, again), who go even further, he will be gracious and loving and forgiving, even when we don't deserve it, even when we don't ask for it. There are reasons to cling to this side of God rather than the Judge side, of course, although my usually comes down to this: I prefer a forgiving, fluffy god to a judging, righteous god. And for those who find themselves with me in this preference, be happy, because there is backing for this in the Bible. There are verses to point towards.

And then there are those that simply do not believe in the Other. And I admit, I have found myself wanting to be in this category many times. I honestly think it would be easier for me to just claim agnosticism and throw up my hands and say, “I don't know.” While a large part of me wants to be right (I'm an Enneagram 1, after all), I would be satisfied to wash my hands of all of it and just not care.

But there is something in me that is drawn to the Divine, that believes in an Ultimate Love that is good and kind and is rooting for us. Many would say that this is an adult version of a fairy tale, and that I simply don't want to conceive of the here and now and that's it. But it would be easier to believe that! If I was to simply not believe in anything besides what I can hear and see and feel and taste, I would have less to worry about. I'm not even sure how my actions would be different from what they are now (although I'd probably be given to more hedonistic tendencies than I already find in myself). However, I feel that there is something inside me that tells me to trust this intrinsic belief in the Divine. C. S. Lewis puts it this way:

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And I guess that's what I come back to again and again. Even when I would rather not believe, I believe. And yeah, there are parts of my belief that I find offending that I can explain away with things such as annihilism or inclusivism, and I'm perfectly satisfied to do so. It's when this sort of cognitive dissonance rears its head that I take a chapter from another writer's book. Walt Whitman writes:

“Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss that which insults your soul.”

So I choose not to believe that those who are found wanting will suffer eternal conscious punishment in hell, because not only does it not make sense when it comes to the idea of a loving Father who cares for us and wants the best for us, but I find Biblical backing that points to not only annihilism but also inclusivism. Or course there is Biblical backing the points to the opposite as well, and this is why the Bible is an extremely dangerous weapon at times: we can all find a verse or two or twelve to point at and say “See, I'm right and you're wrong.” And then we usually tell the other person they are damned, or something like that, and it's all a bit ridiculous at times.

So I am a Christian and I still believe, but I find myself echoing the father in Mark 9 and pleading “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” While I don't think I will ever understand all of my beliefs, and I won't have a set of answers I can point to and say, “There, that's why children are raped and murdered, why women are abused and used as objects, why parents can't afford to feed their children,” I do hope that one day I will feel a bit more at peace with my faith. In the meantime, I'm not concerned with my salvation, although there are those who would disagree with me on this. I try to embrace the idea of mystery, and I allow myself to feel the moments of transcendence when I consider the communion of all saints, living and dead. I repeat the Nicene Creed, I take the bread and wine, and I believe. And I think that's enough for now.

"there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - c.s. lewis

2011-11-25T09:38:00.000-07:00

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Proud

2011-11-24T20:57:00.000-07:00

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Always Remember: a Little Avett Brothers for Your Sunday

2011-11-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

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On Christmas and Santa

2011-11-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

From my mom's perspective:

We told our kids from the beginning about St. Nicholas being a real person who lived a long time ago who loved Jesus and gave gifts to children and that the Santa Claus we see at the mall was just for fun and to remember him. Then a person at church asked Jessica if Santa Claus was going to come to her house. She said, "no Santa Claus is dead." So we had some explaining to do to that person who thought we were terrible to tell our kids Santa was dead...

Source: the-essential-infant-resource-for-moms.com via Jessica on Pinterest

I'm not sure what we'll tell our kids. Santa or no Santa? I can tell you this made me cry.

Snow

2011-11-18T13:24:00.004-07:00

Snow.

Morton Solid Perfume from The Morbid the Merrier

2011-11-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

themorbidthemerrier.com

I bought this solid perfume based solely on its description: Morton key notes - earl grey tea, creamy milk, patchouli, vetiver, dirt, wood.

It sounds delicious. Dark, moody, and delicious. Also, there's a raven on it. Did you notice that? I'm so excited to try it! Apparently this scent, Morton, is limited as one of the ingredients is no longer available. My love for both Earl Grey tea and Patchouli has me awaiting this package anxiously. I wore patchouli in high school and college, and some people hated it, and some people loved it. I usually layered it with just a touch of gardenia for sweetness. I'm excited to try this fragrance which comes with the following disclaimer: I will warn you - this is a dirty, morose blend. It's very beautiful, but heavy on the earth.

Ooo la la! I also love this gal's packaging and the sound/smell of other scents. So unique!

Cuddle weather - what it's really like

2011-11-14T18:54:00.001-07:00

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Oh yeah I forgot

2011-11-11T20:49:00.001-07:00

Did I tell you guys that Bryan quit Wells Fargo? Like, his last day was the first of October?

No?

Well he did. And he got another job! It doesn't start until December, but it's awesome. It's at a hotel in Teton Village and he's going to be an accounting clerk. No free ski passes but discounts on spa treatments... but just for him. I know, what the frak?

Anyway. The reason he was gone for a few days this week (and next week) is he's in Pocatello hanging out with family and friends and helping his folks and his grandpa out. Because he's the Golden Child like that.

Yeah. So that's that.

Also: I made spaghetti squash spaghetti for dinner tonight. Instead of ramen for the third night. I'm pretty sure that means I'm an adult, and super responsible with my eating habits.

Weird things that happen when Bryan is away.

2011-11-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

1. I get super lazy. I'm not picking anything up until tomorrow night. Deal with it, me.

2. I get gross(er). Bryan and I use the same deodorant. As in the same stick. And I guess the right way to say that would be "I use Bryan's deodorant (because I like the smell) and he doesn't approve." Well, he took it with him obviously. Do I look like I'm about to go to Kmart and buy more? No. I'm just going to not wear deodorant for a few days. I'll keep the office cooler and pretend I'm a hippie.

3. I eat weird foods. Sometimes it means eating one food as a meal - like a plate of asparagus. This time it means ramen for dinner. Yesterday and today. Maybe tomorrow too. Tonight I made it fancy though - chicken ramen with thinly sliced carrots, cilantro, green onion, ginger paste and sriracha. Yep. DELISH.

4. Talking to myself. Even more.

Yup.

Good thing I married young, I guess. Can you imagine me living by myself? ::shudders:: TERRIFYING.

Let's talk about my insecurities

2011-11-09T18:09:00.001-07:00

Yeah, let's.

So the other day Bryan and I were sitting in church, getting our Jesus on and what have you. Standing, kneeling, reciting and praying at the appropriate times (going to an Episcopal church is a workout compared to the other churches I've attended!). This girl takes the empty spot next to me in the pew, and I look at her real quick and smile, because I'm nice like that. Then I take another look at her and I'm like "Oh NO she did not just sit next to me."

Why would I think such a mean thought?

Because she looked like this:

source

Okay, so not exactly like that. But she had almost a food on me in height, and, no kidding, her thighs were as tiny as my arms. Okay. That's an exaggeration, but still. Not only that, she was dressed in boots, skinny jeans, and a plaid flannel shirt. AND SHE LOOKED AWESOME. And I felt like a hippopotamus with a bad case of acne next to her.

I try not to be like that, all "Uhhhh I feel so fat/ugly/normal-person-y." But sometimes my insecurities come out and all I can think is "there's no possible way for me to look like that." And there's not. Nothing is going to make me taller, and you can only get so skinny, right? And with hips like mine, I'm NEVER going to fit into a pair of size 4 jeans. Ever. It's just not possible, understand?

And most of the time I'm okay with my body and I think I'm cute and blah blah blah. But now and then, I get all "uuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhh." I'm trying to get over. For a long time I weighed myself every day, and then my friend Ashley told me that was dumb, or something like that. And so now I only weigh myself once a week. And, yay me, I've kept off the 6-7 pounds I lost earlier this year. I'm still a good 15-20 lbs more than I'd like to be, but isn't that life?

Anyways. I'm trying to have a better conception of beauty, and what I like about myself. And although it may sound counter-intuitive, I've been trying to take a bit more time to make myself feel pretty. Meaning that I'm actually picking out my clothes with a more discerning eye, and I'm wearing makeup that brings out my features and I'm wearing cute accessories. And to a lot of women, this is the opposite of what I should be doing. Many would say that I should embrace my weight, my make-up-less face (zits and all, and there are so many more now than when I was on birth control pills....), and my sometimes not-great hair. But you know what? I say rubbish. Sure, I know I look fine without makeup - in fact, I wear makeup maybe 70-80% of the time, so it's not like I have to be wearing it to feel like a worthwhile human being. But here's the deal, folks: I like makeup. I like bringing out my features and I like feeling pretty. And if mascara and cover-up and some eyeliner helps me feel pretty, then dude, I'm going to wear it.

I've decided to learn how to do more to my hair than simply brush it. So I wear it curly sometimes (which I think is way cute) and other times I straighten it so it's sleek and sometimes I just muss it up a bit. The last two days I've worn this sort of cool braid thingy on one side:

Source: thebeautydepartment.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Cute and super easy. It looks even better if your hair is a bit dirty - the bits that fall down are more defined that way.

And I'm going to attempt this on the cruise (January!!!)

AND I learned how to properly sculpt my eyebrows (apparently there is more than just plucking involved??) Yeah.

Source: thebeautydepartment.com via Jessica on Pinterest

So yeah. I'm trying. Trying to learn how to do things that make me feel pretty, and feminine, and trying not to concentrate on having a model's body. I'm not promising that I'm all of a sudden going to feel awesome about my weight or my pants size or whatever. My hip bones are never going to do that skinny-girl protruding thing, and my shoulder blades don't stick out and say "hey, notice me." When I was in high school, I often wanted to look "hot." Which meant tight shirts and revealing necklines and all of that rubbish. But I don't feel COMFORTABLE in that sort of outfit, nor should I. But when I embrace my feminine side, complete with ruffles and pretty eyeshadow and saucy nailpolish and flouncy skirts, I feel lovely. And that's way more important that feeling hot.

(I still don't want to sit next to that girl in church, though.)

Sleeping at Last and Geoff Benzing

2011-11-08T15:51:00.000-07:00

On this fabulous blog that gets haphazardly updated, I've mentioned several times how much I love the band Sleeping at Last.

I've also mentioned how very much I love the artist Geoff Benzing, who does the artwork for Sleeping at Last. He's incredible. His watercolors, his acrylics... they make me so incredibly happy. He has a way of making art that makes you feel peaceful but inspired. Or something. He's friggin' awesome.

So you can understand how incredibly happy I was to find out that Sleeping at Last was releasing prints of the covers Geoff Benzing did for the "Yearbook" project. SO. EXCITED.

I immediately told Bryan, who got super excited as well. In fact, his parents are buying us the collection because they had mentioned in the past that they wanted to get Bryan some artwork. Geoff's pieces are actually really reasonably priced, but art is art, right? It's not exactly inexpensive to collect. So I was SO HAPPY to find out about the prints that are now available! Check them out:

sleepingatlast.com

So amazing! Each print is (get this) EIGHT DOLLARS. That includes shipping and handling.

Oh, you want all of the prints? All twelve? I see, you're greedy. I understand, because so am I. You'll be pleased to know that the set is only TWENTY-EIGHT DOLLARS. Including shipping. That's seriously... I don't even.... it's amazing.

I always said I wanted to get a piece of Geoff's work for our kids' room (when we have kiddos) because they are just so beautiful and inspiring. You can tell he has a vivid imagination. And now we can choose from one of these awesome prints! (Will we ever have space for a "kids' room?" Or will they just live in a crib in the corner of our room? That remains to be seen. Good thing we've got time).

To see more of Geoff's work, visit his site.

Oh, and his acrylics are amazing too. Here is the piece I own, "Elephant on a Hill." I love my elephant, and his crazy wheels.

Hello Mr. Elephant! I love you so!

Sleeping at Last has a track on the new Twilight soundtrack, "Breaking Dawn." I'm not a huge Twilight fan, but I hope that this does amazing things for the band! The song is "Turning Page" and it's instrumental. You can listen to it on Spotify or download it on iTunes.

To the super annoying, snotty woman at the Post Office.

2011-11-04T16:23:00.004-07:00

I'm already pissed off that I don't get mail at my friggin' street address. Why doesn't Jackson have street mailing? It's super friggin' annoying. So instead of just waiting at my door for a package, I have to haul my butt across town to wait in the long lines for one of you fabulous postal workers to take my fancy little yellow slip and get a package for me. Oh, and you're opened during business hours, which is convenient for no one.

Oh you say you're open Saturdays? Until noon? Awesome. I can get mail once a week. Luckily I have Tuesdays off, so make that twice a week. You don't like it when my mail piles up, so you shove it in the tiny little mailbox until stuff is all bent wonky? I don't like that the Post Office doesn't offer different sizes of mail boxes. So now we're even.

And I get REALLY sunshine-and-daisies when I leave work early to drive across town to pick up a package. I get to the back of the line EXACTLY as the clock turns from 4:59 to 5:00. And then you're SO PLEASANT when you holler (yes, holler) across the full lobby "Ma'am in the grey coat, we are closed. You'll have to come back tomorrow."

SERIOUSLY? If I'm not mistaken, you take NUMEROUS yellow slips back at once and haul everyone's packages to the front in a group. So if there are two people in front of me with yellow slips awaiting their packages, you're saying that it's not worth your time or effort to take ONE MORE yellow slip to get my ONE package? That's what you're saying? Even thought it's EXACTLY 5:00 p.m.? So if I had been able to hang up on a patient one moment faster and get to the friggin' Post Office one minute faster then I could get my package? I don't get credit for the dozens of times I've stood in lines for up to fifteen minutes while you asked every sodding person, "And will you be needing stamps today?"

NO I DON'T NEED FRIGGIN' STAMPS. I WILL TELL YOU IF I NEED SOME DAMN STAMPS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? PERFECTLY okay with being responsible with my own stamp needs, THANK YOU.

Expect a package with my name on it soon filled with moldy food. And I won't pick it up. I will leave it in your back room, smelling up the office until it makes you want to vomit.

Happy Thanksgiving, government employee. I'm so thankful for your dedication to the people of this community.

Source: tumblr.com via Sarah Marie on Pinterest

(I'm sure it's iced tea or something)

Blech

2011-11-01T00:14:00.000-07:00

I've been sick for over a week now. It super-sucks. And before that I had a weird skin rash thing that hasn't totally gone away because I can't use my skin cream because it has a steroid that may make my cold worse.... and before that I had other nasty health crap to deal with. Pretty much I've been some sort of sick for a solid month now. My sleep habits have totally been affected by it, and all in all, it's SUPER LAME.

That said, I dressed like a cat today for work and ate lots of cookies. So I'm sure that will help my immune system.

And this is pretty much all I want to do, all day every day:

Source: weheartit.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Except with my Kindle... because that's how I roll. Although, realistically, I still have serious issues not buying stuff at used book stores.

Source: shopruche.tumblr.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Any good fiction books anyone feels like recommending? I still need to finish the Hunger Games series, and I've got a number of books that I plan on reading, but I like recommendations. I really like series as well. I like romance (but not lame-o chick lit romance), some classics, fantasy (but not TOO crazy, more like fantasy-light), dystopian/apocalyptic fiction and some historical fiction. I'm not really into mysteries, anything involving cops, the mob, or lame vampire novels (some are okay, but let's be serious, most are lame). Anyone read anything they really loved lately?

This is My Town, This is My City, Through My Eyes Looks So Pretty

2011-10-29T00:22:00.000-07:00

I love the beautiful, small town I live in. Sometimes I miss the city though. I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago, but I certainly did love hopping the L and losing myself in Boystown and Wrigleyville, or at the lakeshore.

Source: Uploaded by user via Jessica on Pinterest

Source: topdesignmag.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Source: ashleyannphotography.com via Jessica on Pinterest

This is my town, this is my city....

Pretty Magical

2011-10-27T20:10:00.002-07:00

Source: etsy.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Thank You Pinterest

2011-10-22T12:41:00.003-07:00

Source: marlenemccune.blogspot.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Initial Attempts

2011-10-22T12:40:00.004-07:00

Source: weheartit.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Pretty Wise: A Woman and a Lady

2011-10-20T17:01:00.002-07:00

Source: stumbleupon.com via Cindy on Pinterest

I was recently told I'd be in Slytherin... by my husband.

2011-10-19T18:15:00.001-07:00

Source: imgfave.com via Jessica on Pinterest

At "Coco Love" in Jackson

2011-10-18T16:43:00.002-07:00

So pretty! And the pumpkin gelato and spicy mocha didn't hurt.

Terrified of My Heart

2011-10-17T23:33:00.000-07:00

October 2011 Birchbox Review

2011-10-17T20:51:00.001-07:00

Okay, after I tried for hours to get this fairly-crappy video to work, Bryan figured it out. I can only assume he used magic.

Moving onward.

Birchbox is a really awesome company I recently heard about; you subscribe to them for $10 a month and they send you a box of fancy, deluxe beauty samples. Each month you get brand new things, and you never know what you're going to get. You make a beauty profile that helps determine skin and hair needs, but the rest is a surprise. It's a really good deal, and if you like to try out new things, and get surprises in the mail... well, Birchbox is pretty much crack.

Here is the video review I made for the October 2011 Birchbox:

Just to give you a rundown on what these samples would cost normally, if they weren't from Birchbox (I figured it out by finding out how much the full size cost, then figuring out price per ounce):

Redken shine flash 02 glistening mist - $7.70

Pangea Organics Facial Scrub - $8.40

Blinc Mascara - $16

Befine BeLips: Lip Exfoliator - $12.50

Tea Forte Mints - $3.30

Total - $47.90

Now, I'm a total bargainista, so there's no way I'd pay $47.90 for that stuff. But I would DEFINITELY pay $10. I would recommend Birchbox to people with a little extra cash who like trying new things without committing to a full-price, full-size product.

2011-10-09T21:56:00.001-07:00

Owl hat! The doc I work for is bringing her tiny baby grandson in to meet the crew and I had to try to make this. My friend Ashley makes them and they're so cute!

HECKYESTHISISAWESOME

2011-10-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter BIRTHDAY Cake!!!!!!!

2011-10-06T16:46:00.003-07:00

Bryan made me a cake with the golden snitch on it! BEST HUSBAND EVER.

Oh, and it's my birthday.

2011-10-06T09:24:00.002-07:00

Just when you thought I couldn't get any cooler - golden snitch necklace. Kablamo!

You Thought a Man in Shiny Underpants Was Wrong?

2011-10-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

How about this for a science fair project?

source

yeah, got this from Geek in Heels

(I sort of feel like I need to apologize in advance for this)

Pretty Much Just for Annie.

2011-10-02T20:52:00.000-07:00


source

Annie asked that I post something.

Here is a picture of a man looking at the internet, lurking, and I have to assume he's not commenting.

So you may have noticed that I've lost a lot of motivation with my blog. I'm not going to blame it on 9/11, but....

What should I write about, guys?? I assume you want to only hear about Harry Potter, but what BESIDES that?

How Do You Say... "C'est Ridicule"

2011-09-25T10:37:00.001-07:00

The following music video was filmed very recently in Grand Teton National Park; the beginning scenes are the Chapel of the Transfiguration, where apparently, you can always find someone playing the organ (no, you can't).

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Next we see Mr. Fancy French Pants hopping the buckrail and walking through sage brush, instead of simply taking the path 10 feet to his left.

He walks over to a ranch and sees a "cowgirl" who looks awfully French as well. She apparently just likes to hang out on fences.

We all know how dodgy the Antler Inn is, which is precisely the reason Mr. Hipster Frenchie picks it. Also, because he wants Pearl Street Bagels for brekkie, and the Rawhide Motel didn't have the je ne sais quoi he was looking for in an overpriced town square motel.

I think the most important thing to take away from this music video is that apparently, French hipsters hang out on a floating dock in the middle of Jenny Lake. I'm just wondering if they took that couch from Jenny Lake Boating's boat house.

Because I may or may not have wiped fish guts on it earlier this summer.

Pretty Darn Cute

2011-09-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

snorgtees.com

This is one of the cutest shirts I've seen in a LONG TIME!!!!! I totally wantz one.

Pretty Song - x2

2011-09-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

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Citizen Cope - "Lifeline"
This song makes me want to pick up the guitar again, but for realz this time. Can I ever get back the skill I had in high school? I wasn't fantabulous but I could pick a mean "Landslide." I can still play "Blackbird" and "Greensleeves" pretty well. But that's really it. Yup. Four years of hard work forgotten (mostly). Sad! If I could make music like this... I would seriously consider it.

Rosi Golan - "Hazy"
Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Pretty Lame Weather

2011-09-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

The weather recently has SUCKED. Why? The forecast has been "Smoke."
Friggin' lame.

Pretty Ridiculous

2011-09-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like blogging right now. Sowry. Today I am feeling hormonal and emotional and not the awesomest. And our toilet plumbing is still giving us issues (Day 10) because there's a problem with the main line of our building... or something... Whatever. I just want to poop without fear. Is that so wrong??

So instead of giving you an actually interesting post, I'm going to share with you a joke I heard from my husband. I wrote it on Facebook, and my aunt didn't get it, no matter how many times people tried to explain it. So I made a ridiculous video.

Technology is hard.

Our Weekly Farm Share

2011-09-04T12:44:00.000-07:00

We got some yummies this week at Cosmic Apple, our fantabulous farmshare. Check out my slightly blurry cell phone pic!

Mmmmm. Yumscious! I used the basil and kale to make some awesome pesto, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the eggplant and squash. I found a recipe online for a decent looking casserole. Neither Bryan nor I love eggplant or squash all that much, so I'm thinking that a casserole may be good, since it has lots o' stuff in it. Check out those red-tinged beans at the top - they're called "Tongues of Fire." Ohhh fancy. I have no idea what to do with them, but I think they require shelling.

I definitely have appreciated our farm share, simply because I've had to try new recipes. We get at least two green peppers each week, however, and I'm not sure what to do with those besides get more peppers to make fajitas. Any ideas?? For ANYTHING?

"What Do You Want for Your Birthday?"

2011-09-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

Bryan has asked me this question several times now. My birthday isn't until October, the 6th, to be exact.

I have NO IDEA what I want for my birthday. None at all.

Bryan told me that this is the last birthday I'll get a fancy present, because we're talking about a kid in 2012.

He keeps mentioning big ticket items. "How about an iPad?"

Excuse me. AN IPAD? Those are FRICKIN' EXPENSIVE. And I'm fairly hopeless with Apple products.

But, Bryan just told me today that Amazon is supposed to be coming out with a tablet soon. They're calling it the "Amazon Kindle" but it's full screen, has access to Amazon's Cloud music player, access to Amazon's Instant Video, and has full internet capabilities (apparently). It uses wifi, not 3G. It won't have a camera, so it's more on par with the first generation iPad.

And it's supposed to run $250!! Which is WAY COMPETITIVE. And rumor has it (according to PC World) that buyers will get one free year of Amazon Prime. We buy TONS of stuff off of Amazon, so that's pretty awesome. That also lets us get free movies on Amazon Instant Video.

So now I'm thinking of holding off on my birthday present until late November, when the Amazon Kindle is supposed to be out. My only question is this: how will their actually Kindle program run? One of the things I love about my 3rd generation Kindle is their E Ink Pearl technology - it appears that you're actually reading on a page of paper. There's no glare, and there's no back light. How will the new Amazon Kindle handle that? I'm guessing it will be back lit, which I don't love - not sure how they can get around it.

So yeah. We'll see. I thought the Kindle wasn't a huge deal until I got one... now it follows me room to room. I can't tell you how much I frickin' love it. As Bryan mentioned this morning, it's totally changed my relationship with books. I read a lot for fun during college (studying not so much), but when I graduated and started working, my reading definitely declined. When Bryan and I got married, I read even less. After working a job I hated, and Bryan having a full day of work and school, we pretty much sat in front of the tv every night. Since I got the Kindle (on my birthday last year, from Bry... he's smart), I've been reading a book a week, on average. And I really, really love it. I'm watching a lot less tv as well, which is nice.

Anyone have a gadget they can't live without? Recommendations?

Pretty Sexy

2011-08-30T16:54:00.000-07:00

This song:

Yup. On repeat.

Pretty Frickin' Awesome.

2011-08-28T14:43:00.002-07:00

via Geek in Heels from Harry Potter Facts

Listen, I don't see my Harry Potter obsession waning anytime soon. So. In the immortal words of Phil and Lem from the awesome and underrated (and cancelled) show "Better Off Ted,"

Deal with it.

Pretty Dorky

2011-08-26T18:01:00.002-07:00

Okay guys. It's time for the dorky, geeky Jessica to come out. "What do you mean COME OUT? Like she hasn't been here all along?"

Very funny, guys, very funny.

But I have something serious to talk to you about today. It affects only awesome, dorky, slightly embarrassed people like myself. It's called Fan Fiction.

Ohhhh yeah. We're going there. I'm trying to not blush as I write this. I have a little shame.

But I have to say... I'm seriously addicted to Harry Potter Fan Fiction. Some of it is terrible, but some of it is AWESOME. And not just a little bit awesome, but MEGA AWESOME. We are talking hundreds of pages of awesomeness.

For those that like Harry Potter... stop crying over the end of the series. Maybe you didn't love the epilogue to Deathly Hallows. Maybe you, too, think Ron was sort of a git, and wouldn't have held Hermione's attention forever, especially since he's a bit fickle. Maybe you think that Draco's character could have been redeemed, or at least been more developed. Maybe those last two opinions are totally mine ::nods head::

Maybe you've stopped reading by now. WHATEVER I DON'T NEED YOU. (Yes I do).

To the rest of you... let me introduce you to FanFiction.net.

::Cue angels singing::

On FanFiction.net you can read fan fiction (which is fiction written by fans, for those of you who are a Sickle short of a Galleon) based on many many books, tv shows, and movies. And anime, but I'm not that sort of dorky. Sowry.

You should know some things before you just go and read, however. First of all, to find Harry Potter fan fic, you to go the BOOKS section and select HARRY POTTER. Good, you've narrowed it down to almost a half million fics. Let's proceed.

Next, we sort.

fanfiction.net

First, I like to go to "Status" and select "Complete." Why? Because when I read something that's not completed I get way frustrated waiting for the writer to finish. Which is what I'm doing right now, because I started two fics that weren't complete. I don't love that. Next, select "Language." I choose "English" because I'm a stupid American/Canadian that can't speak anything but English and really crappy amounts of Spanish. Ta-da!

Next, I go to "Genre." Here you can go wiiiiiiiiild! I usually pick "Romance" or "Adventure." I'm not sure who is dying to read Harry Potter Western fan fic, but to each their own ::cough::weirdo::cough::

Next, pick your rating. You can pick K (equivalent to "G" movies), K+ (like "PG"), T (like "PG-13") or M (M, "R" or sometimes higher. Will often have sex and/or violence).

If you have a specific character(s) that you'd like as the main character in the story, you can select that as well.

Click "Go" and you'll see the stories that fit your criteria. If you look under the title, you'll see a summary, as well as some other info.

fanfiction.net

You can see this fic is a Harry Potter fic rated "T" that is in English. The genre is Angst/Romance. It has 26 chapters, and 90,546 words. It has had 1,525 reviews, and was completed this February. It stars Hermione and Draco.

I usually pick fics that have a good amount of reviews, at least 500, usually. There are some TERRIBLE writers on this site, but there are a lot of goods ones as well.

Once you pick a fic, you can go to the bottom and change the background to black and the type to white, which I find easier on the eyes. You can also read reviews, but they often give away crucial elements to the fic, so I try not to read them until I'm done.

There are definitely some important terms that are helpful to check out before you pick out a fic. This is especially important if you want fic that follows all of the Harry Potter books, or you are offended by certain pairings of characters. For example, here are some terms:

AU - Alternate Universe. This means that the fic will deviate from the story line found in the actual Harry Potter books. For instance, Dumbledore may be alive after Half-Blood Prince, or Harry may not be an orphan, etc.

Darkfic - focuses on darker themes. For instance, there may be torture, murder, etc., or a "good" character may turn "bad."

EWE - Epilogue? What Epilogue? Doesn't follow the Epilogue to Deathly Hallows - everyone doesn't end up married with kids, or they might, but not to the people in the book.

Fluff - kind of obvious. The story is sweet and fluffy and usually romance-based.

OC - Original Character. The author has made up a new character not found in the books.

OOC - Out of Character. A character will act differently than portrayed in the book. Hermione may be foolish about some things, Harry may be cruel, etc.

Slash - Same-sex romantic pairings.

WIP - Work in Progress.

You'll also see PS/SS, CS, PA, GF, OTP, HBP, DH, which correspond to the book titles (Philosopher's Stone/Sorcerer's Stone, etc).

The awesomesauce thing I found out earlier this week?

You can download Fan Fics to your Kindle!! (did you hear that Stacey?? KEEP READING).

You can use the Fanfiction Downloader to get files to your computer or Kindle. You'll need to log into your Google account, find a fic you want, copy the first page's URL, and paste it into the Downloader. Select Mobi (Kindle), and them click download. It will take a few minutes, and then you can download the file, then copy it to your Kindle. Ta-da!!!!

I HIGHLY recommend the fic, "What the Room Requires" by Alydia Rackham. It was really well written, and keep my attention and was very entertaining. Seriously. Read it. It's awesome.

Anyways. I think I'm doing with my Fan Fic love post. I don't care if you think I'm the dorkiest, geekiest, nerdiest girl ever. I love Harry Potter fan fic, and I'm not (okay, only slightly) ashamed.

Pretty Place

2011-08-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

source

This is a real place. Crazy right? The Dark Hedges in Irelan.

Pretty Tattoo

2011-08-23T22:58:00.002-07:00

I'm not a tattoo girl, but if I was, I would love something like this:

love at first blush

It's feminine, pretty, and just emo enough to appeal to my high school self. I love how it follows her body's lines as well. Just lovely.

Worship

2011-08-17T17:14:00.001-07:00

Bryan and I grew up in different Christian faith backgrounds. He grew up LDS (Latter-Day Saint, or Mormon) and I grew up quasi-Baptist. Since we've been married, we've visited and attended a number of different churches. In Humboldt County, California, we attended Catalyst, a church in the Emergent strain of theology (you can listen to their message podcasts - they're awesome, very intellectually stimulating). When we moved here to Jackson Hole, we really struggled to find a faith community that we fit into. Most of our friends here were either LDS or agnostic, and when we visited a few churches, we just didn't feel that sense of belonging. I'm not sure I'll ever find a church that makes me go "Yes, this is entirely perfect and I believe everything they're saying and I agree with everything they do." The church is a body of believers, and since no one is perfect, no church is perfect. However, the church we go to now is one that we both like, and 90% of the time, we agree with what is being taught.

The interesting thing about our agreement... I think it comes more from the fact that often the things that are taught from the pulpit are not very controversial. It's an Episcopal church, and it's very "we love you, you're welcome here, come worship with us." The messages are often straight out of the Bible, and then the Scripture is extrapolated on. When we attended Catalyst, we often felt very challenged in our beliefs. I remember Bryan and I driving back from church when we lived one town over; it was about 20 minutes away from our apartment. After service, one of us would invariably turn to the other and say, "So what did you think about ______?" We had really awesome discussions and I think it made us both think a lot. Even very basic things come a lot less basic when you pull them apart and really question them. I enjoyed the dialogue, the conversation, and the questioning.

I don't really experience that in the church that I attend now. We do meet for a Bible Study every so often on Tuesdays... it's supposed to be every Tuesday, but with everyone's summer schedules, and it being a small group, that doesn't always work out. During this time, however, we get to delve into ideas or certain Scripture readings and really tear things apart. And I really do like it quite a lot.

One thing that the church we attend now has that is different than any other church I have attended is a liturgy. What is a liturgy you ask? According to Wikipedia (the source of all knowledge... after all "anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information" - Michael Scott, 'The Office'), liturgy is a "set form of ceremony or pattern of worship." It often includes the Lord's Prayer, readings from the New and Old Testament, and Communion/Eucharist/Sacrament. And some of it is old school, at least compared to the services I am used to from my experiences.

Even though this church is vastly different from others we've attended together, we do enjoy it. When I was younger, I attended a slightly-creepy, sorta-cultish now that I look back at it, youth church. The worship was VERY VERY LOUD, with a full band and boys who wore girl jeans and occasionally eyeliner. Worship practically REQUIRED that you lift up your hands when you sing, and if you could cry, even better. It was definitely more of a charismatic service. While I enjoyed it at the time, I don't think I'd go to a church like that again; I enjoyed the music, but there were other things about it that left me unsettled.

At Catalyst, we had a few different music teams that led worship. One was a bluegrass band; suffice it to say, Bryan and I LOVED them, especially singing old hymns in a bluegrass style. Ridiculously awesome. Sometimes it was a full band and the music was louder. And sometimes it was one guy with a guitar and one guy on a drum. There was a nice mix of hymns, current mainstream worship music, and original songs. I liked it, and when we left Catalyst, I hoped for something similar.

However, we didn't get that at any of the churches out here. And more and more I realize that worship isn't about music, or a certain style. It's about giving God respect and honor and showing our love. And it can be done in lots of different ways. This was an idea that was impressed on us very often at Catalyst, but being away from that church, and not able to have that kind of music at all, made me realize the truth to it.

And so I've found that I can enjoy things I'm not used to; I can engage in different forms of collective worship and enjoy them just as much as the full band or bluegrass.

So here in a responsive prayer that we shared on Sunday at the service in Moose, Wyoming, at the Chapel of the Transfiguration.

Wild Nature Images

Seriously. Is that not the coolest little log cabin church you've ever seen? This is the view of the Tetons from the inside:

source

The congregation reads the bold-faced type:

Come, Holy Spirit, from heaven shine forth with your radiant love. Come, Father of the poor; come, generous Spirit; come, Light of our hearts. Perfect Comforter, you make peace to dwell in our soul: Come Holy Spirit.

Wonderful refreshment, in our labor you offer rest; in our trials, strength: Come, Holy Spirit.

Kindly Light, enter the inmost depth of our hearts: Come, Holy Spirit.

Bend our rigidity, inflame our apathy: Come, Holy Spirit.

Send rain upon our dry ground, heal our wounded souls: Come, Holy Spirit.

Give us lasting joy: Come Holy Spirit, from heaven shine forth with your radiant love.

For many, this form of worship may be business as usual, or what you grew up with; we did have some responsive reading in the church I grew up in. For some reason, it seems to actually impact me now.

And at service this weekend, the special music was a beautiful rendition of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" complete with some original verses that aren't in Jeff Buckley or Rufus Wainwright's versions. It was lovely.

Even though I've been to many churches in many denominations, I find that the spirit behind the worship is the same in most churches. Although I never plan to join one denomination over another, I do find the differences and similarities beautiful. So, lovely readers, do you belong to a religion or denomination? What do you like about it? What would you share with those interested, if you could?

Grrrrr, Meow

2011-08-14T15:24:00.000-07:00

So I went to Chicago a couple of weeks back for my friend Monica's wedding (and to see family and friends, of course). When I was packing for the wedding, I realized that I didn't really have any appropriate dresses to wear to the wedding. I have several dresses that either 1. no longer fit or 2. no longer are appropriate. Since I've put on ::coughcough:: 15 pounds ::coughcough:: since I got married, I've gotten bigger in the hips, and I've gone up almost 2 cup sizes. Some things that used to... contain the girls quite nicely now look positively INDECENT. NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE WHAT I'VE GOT GOING ON. It's just not working for me.

So I went shopping with my fabulous SIL Amanda and my mom. It was really fun, and I was SO thankful to have those ladies there giving me advice! I had a good idea of what I wanted - something in the vein of a sheath dress. Classic, classy, and sophisticated. And I love Calvin Klein's tailoring.

I found this gorgeous navy blue sheath dress at Dressbarn, complete with pearls at the neckline... it was VERY Jackie O. with a bit of Audrey Hepburn. Which pretty much equals AMAZING in my book. What can I say, those ladies were darn classy.

Alas, it was NOT in my size. I needed one size up in order to... you know, sit and breathe at the same time.

So onward and upward. We went to Carson Pierre Scott, which usually has some good finds. I am not kidding when I tell you that I tried on at least 3 dozen dresses... maybe 4. And the dressing rooms were apparently not air conditioned. It was disgusting.

BUT, at the end I had two really cute dresses! And Amanda picked out BOTH dresses. I don't have any pictures of them on me at the moment, but I do plan on wearing the HECK out of them, so hopefully I will have some soon. And I think that either my dad or my friend Kathy has pictures of the wedding reception.

I can't find a picture of the dress I wore to the bachelorette party, but here is the dress I got for the wedding:

Overstock.com

It's animal print!! I don't think I've EVER worn animal print before, but I friggin' loved it. The cut was classy and sophisticated, and so it didn't get anywhere near slaggy, like some animal print does. I LOVE this dress and felt awesome in it. But now... now I want more animal print.

Not a lot. Maybe a scarf. And some flats. It's so fun to incorporate just a LITTLE bit into an outfit. So here are the flats I'm considering:

amazon.com

They would look SO cute with a black sweater and dark jeans.

And this scarf:

amazon.com

It's a little bit out of my comfort zone, but I sort of like it....

It's a little Grrrrr. A little meow.

Any other closeted animal print fans out there??

The Littlest Warbler

2011-08-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

Have I posted this? I don't care. I love Glee, and this kid makes me SO HAPPY. Okay, the song is way inappropriate for a child to be singing, but he is the CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. I like to watch it whenever I'm bored, tired, sad, or... yeah. Bored.

Social Work?

2011-08-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today I talked to a couple people about Social Work; most specifically, how I have a degree in Social Work that I do not use. I was asked if I was going to go back for my masters. While I have planned on going back for an MSW, my initial reaction at the moment is "No."

That doesn't mean I won't go back to school ever. But I don't think I'm going to get my masters in Social Work. I'm just not sure that my heart is really in it anymore. It seems like most jobs that require an MSW also require at least 5 years of experience. I have 2 years experience working a Behavioral Aide to a kid with Autism, but that's about it. I've been the supervisor of a Teen Clinic, working with sexual health... which SORT of is in the Social Work field... sort of.

But when we get down to it, Social Workers make VERY LITTLE money. The SW jobs I looked at in California, the ones that I could do without getting a MSW, made HALF as much as I make now. Half. Which is ridiculous.

I just don't think I can go back to school, even if it's a YEAR program (I could do advanced standing in some schools because I have a BSW). It would be more student loan debt (between Bryan and I, we have over $40,000 already) and it would be a year off work (the advanced standing program is pretty rigorous, from what I hear, and requires a lot of practicum and internships). And most jobs that require an MSW only make $5,000-$10,000 more a year, from what I've seen, at least. That may sound like a lot, but when I'm already making a fairly decent wage as a medical receptionist.... well let's just say that making $2 more a hour than I make now doesn't seem worth a year of college and not working.

I have considered going back to get my RN or Masters in Public Health once our kids are in school. I like working in the medical field. It's interesting. Being a nurse would be much more hands on, which I like in some ways, and don't like in others. A Masters in Public Health would open me up to administrative positions, which would be really cool. Bryan has told me over and over again that I'd make a good Office Manager or would do well working in a hospital in an administrative capacity. So that's an idea.

Really though, I still have NO idea what I really want out of my career, or if I really want a career at all. Would I be happy just working jobs I don't so much care about, but that pay the bills? I plan on working when we have kids, at least 2 days a week. Am I okay doing something that doesn't fulfill me, and finding my fulfillment elsewhere? That's what I do now, and although my job is boring at times, it's not terrible by any means.

Bryan and I always talk about how we're going to get rich. In reality, we don't really care about being RICH, we just want to have enough cash to not worry a ton about cash. We're doing much better now than we ever had, which is awesome. But we also talk about what the next big thing is - what should we invest in? What would be a good business strategy? What if we went the entrepreneurial route? Bryan has talked more recently about investment rental properties, which is something my grandfather was involved in. I have no idea what we'll end up doing. Bry has no idea what he really wants to do. Does he want to work in a different bank (I don't think he's interested in Wells long term)? Does he still have any interest at working at a hospital? He's considered so many things. And still, we have no ideas.

I get jealous sometimes of those people who always knew what they wanted to do. My childhood best friend, Alaina, always knew she wanted to be a teacher. And from what I hear, she's GREAT at her job. She's passionate about math, and about teaching. I am not really built like that. I tend to be passionate about the things I'm currently involved in; when I worked with my little friend with Autism, I was PASSIONATE about Autism research and prevention. When I worked at the Teen Clinic, I was PASSIONATE about sexual health and education. I still really care about those things, but I'm not so totally captivated with them like I used to be.

So all this is to say, I don't really know what's going on in my life, or in my future. But at the moment, I don't think I'm going to go back for my Masters in Social Work.

Is there a job in reading Harry Potter fanfiction? Or searching for free Kindle books? Because I'm, like, SUPER good at that.

Harry Potter Boys Getting Their 'Merica On.

2011-08-08T18:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know the movie has been out for weeks but I AM STILL OBSESSED. And still reading Harry Potter fanfiction. Don't judge.

Get More: Movie Trailers, Movies Blog

Exercise Update

2011-07-27T21:44:00.000-07:00

I know, I've been TERRIBLE at updating. But guess what? It's hot, I'm busy, and although I love you ALL, I just don't feel up to it. My days have largely been devoted to work, learning how to cook new veggies (broccoli raab, garlic scapes, swiss chard.... so many new things!), reading, and working out. Yeah. I've even stopped watching much tv. I know. Something's obviously VERY wrong.

Anyways.

I thought I'd give you guys an update on my workout routine. I got my new shoes:

merrell

And yes, they look adorable on my feet.

weird angle, I know...

I'm on the last week of P90X.... well, I've done more than 12 weeks (there's 13 in all) but I keep doing some of the weeks over again because I feel like they give more results. The Yoga X and Core Synergistics are okay, but I like the weight lifting the most.

I have lost 6 pounds since starting my new "gotta get less chubby" plan in January. It's not a LOT by ANY stretch of the imagination, but it's something. I was feeling pretty good about the way I looked the other day, so I thought I'd take my measurements.

While I'm not skinny by any stretch of the imagination, so far I've lost the following:

1.5 inches of my waist
1 inch of my hips
.5 inches off both arms
1.5 inches off both thighs.

Soooo all together that's 4.5 inches! Which is definitely an improvement. I'd really like to lose more around my hips, but I know that's where I keep the most fat, so it's going to hard. But still, to see those numbers... that's motivating. And I DEFINITELY feel more athletic. My calves are STRONG now, and I can lift SO much more weight. Like alternating shoulder presses... one month ago I could do 8lbs 40 times, max. Now I can do 8lbs 60 times. That's definitely SOMETHING. My arms have more definition and I feel so much more confident in shorter skirts. I would still LOVE to lose another 15 pounds of fat and gain 5 more in muscle... but hey, I'll take what I can get. If I keep up the P90x and continue with the running (just started again last week, and I'm easing into it with my friend Ashley), I think I'll be looking pretty darn good come October. So, we'll see.

Oh! And I started using My Fitness Pal every day, and that TOTALLY helps. Keeping track of every single thing I put in my mouth, and all my exercise, really shows me what's going on with my energy in, energy out. If I keep a big enough calorie deficit, I know I'll lose some weight. If my sodium levels are WAY higher than recommended for a day, that's a good enough reason to feel bloaty. It definitely helps. And if you have a fancy smart phone (mine's a data phone, but not a smart phone) you can get their app, and I hear it's awesome.

Any other success stories out there? Doing alright? Need motivation? How's your fitness?

Between the Shadow and the Soul

2011-07-20T19:46:00.003-07:00

photo by Kalle Gustafsson via Absolutely Not Martha

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

~Pablo Neruda

One of my all time favorites.

Happy Anniversary toooo Ussss

2011-07-14T22:33:00.000-07:00

So today is our 4th wedding anniversary. And I was going to do this huge post, but guess what? It's 11 and I'm still working out and tired. As a few of you have said, I haven't been blogging as much. This is true. I usually blog at night, and many of my nights have been filled with friends, fishing, reading (what what Harrrrry Potter! Lurve you) and exercising. I'm in the last two weeks of P90x. While I feel SO much stronger, I have only lost four pounds. WHICH SUCKS. But I've put on a lot of muscle, and since muscle weighs more than fat.... blah blah blah. So now I've started getting super serious. I'm keeping track of everything I eat via My Fitness Pal. Seriously. Everything. Including ice tea and mints. And I'm doing P90x 6-7 days a week, no excuses. I'm really hoping that I will start to see a serious change. And I'm going to my friend Monica's wedding at the beginning of next month. Annnnd I'm way self-conscious about looking like the chubby one in the group. It's not my fault that two of my best girls are tall, super skinny, and have DDs. It's not exactly fair, either, but I love them, so I'll forgive them.

So yeah. I've been pretty darn busy. I'm hoping that I'll be picking up where I left off in August, howevs. Bear with me until then, eh?

This weekend I'm getting my hurrs cut and watching HPDHP2 (that's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, for those of you less awesomesauce). It's going to be awesome. I'm really happy with my current haircut (I'd take a pic if I weren't nasty workout girl right now... sweaty hair and all), but I sort of want something along these lines but with a bit more sass. I'm getting my hair cut by a guy named JD that I met really quickly last time at the salon. He says "fabulous" and "get it girl" a lot. I'm hoping he'll be my gay best friend.

Like Kurt.

source

(Anyone else LOVE Glee? I could dance around to their songs all the time... unless Lea Michelle/Rachel is singing another Broadway/show tune. Blecho).

Anyways, I'm hoping for a FABULOUS haircut. I think I'm going to tell him to keep the idea of my hair (lots of layers) but make it a bit more stylish and fun. We'll see. As long as I don't have bangs, I'll be good. I can't stand bangs in my eyes, no matter how adddorable they look.

So yeah. That's my story. It's my anniversary. My hubs is awesome (he brought me chocolate and flowers to work, and then took me out for yummy food at the Brew Pub).

Here's an adorable picture to awwww at:

You can "awwwww" now.

Harry Potter - It All Ends

2011-07-10T12:49:00.002-07:00

I can't friggin' stop thinking about Harry Potter. The last movie comes out this week. And I NEEDS TO SEE MY PRECIOUS! I think Bryan is taking me to see it in Idaho this weekend, in 3D. Also, I gots to get my hairs cut.

But seriously. It was such an amazing book series, and an amazing movie series as well. I am pretty darn sure that I'll be crying my eyes out at the end. We just watched "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" again, and MAN do I feel bad for Draco Malfoy. There's really no easy way out of having a family of dark wizards, and having to take the Dark Mark and join Voldemort or have your whole family killed. Ya know? Ya know when that sort of thing happens and you have no real choice?

Oh, no, I guess you don't... because it's make believe. BUT STILL.

So I'm going to go read the Deathly Hallows again now. Because just THINKING of the end of Harry Potter is making me super duper sad.

So here are some pictures to remind us of earlier times.

source

So it comes down to this.... Hallows or Horcruxes?

source

If you haven't read the books.... find out on July 15th!

Running Shoes

2011-07-02T17:19:00.000-07:00

Okay. I've been talking about getting a good pair of minimalist running shoes for a while. Like, a year and a half. I got these, thinking it was a good idea:

But it totally wasn't. They're great for the gym, but I heel strike like crazy when running (I say running but mean jogging because I'm slooooooow. At running. Not in the head. I think.). So then I was thinking of getting a pair of Nike Frees:

But then I read that they keep making the heel bigger and bigger, in other words, less and less minimal. Then I thought about getting myself a pair of Vibram Five Fingers:

source

And those didn't work because:

1. I have Morton's Toe (my second toe is longer than my big toe) and
2. I was told that some people who refuse to be seen with me if I wore them. True story. Oh and
3. They weren't really comfortable.

So I pressed on, looking for something cute, minimal, and well reviewed. And I think I found it.

I've mentioned them before, but feast your eyes on Merrell's Pace Glove:

amazon

SO CUTE, right? They totally work for running, or just wearing around town. And apparently they're amazing, because the reviews are great. They're NOT AT ALL CHEAP, coming in around $100. BUT, I just earned $80 all for meeeee. At the hospital I work for, they had a "Spring into Fitness" challenge where you had to work out 4 times a week (which I already do, why aren't I totally skinny? I have no idea) for 10 weeks and get $50! Awesomesauce! Then, the Nielsen Group picked me to keep a tv diary for a week, and sent me $30 for doing it! So I figured new running shoes would be a good things to keep me exercising and stop watching so much tv. Now the only question is color. Should I get the cute green ones ("Aluminum") above, or these ones ("Dark Shadow")?

amazon

What do you think? I like the flashiness of the green, but the grey/purple will go with almost anything. It's really hard to decide! If you have an opinion, please leave it, I could use the advice. Gracias amigos!!!

When she was bad she was horrid...

2011-06-30T16:42:00.003-07:00

"There was a little girl

Who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead;

And when she was good,

She was very, very good

But when she was bad she was horrid."

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

source

Some of the people at work super suck today. They got me angry and frustrated and were being dumb.

I made cakeballs (100 calories of deliciousness each) and brought them to work today. When people were crappy, I thought, "I should throw these away so they can't have any." Then I thought, "I should leave them here so everyone gets fat and I look skinnier."

Yep.

That horrid.

My Dad

2011-06-19T16:27:00.002-07:00

(I'd like to apologize in advance for the weird formatting... I'm not sure what the deal is, exactly, but it's weird.)

My dad is awesome. I wrote all about how awesome he is HERE, so I'm not going to say the same thing all over again.

So instead, here is an internet conversation we had on April 13th, 2006, while I was away at college and planning on coming home for the weekend... keep in mind my dad is a pastor.

Me: Hey Dad? You should make beef jerky. Because I want some.
Dad: Yeh? I have trail mix. Are you coming home today?
Me: Yep.
Dad: Then why are you on the computer? Come home!
Me: Dang I have to freaking go to class! I would totally skip, because I have like... three skips stored up.
Dad: Blow it off.
Me: But we're getting a take home test. Stupid college making me go to stupid class. Stupid stupidness.
Dad: Yeh.
Me: I thought about just getting the test and then leaving, since we're just watching a film. And I heard it's supposed to thunderstorm up there, and I don't feel like driving through it on the highway.
Dad: No storms, just lots of sunshine.
Me: No way it says storms.
Dad: No. Go to class. It only says "isolated T-storms." That means if you blink, it's gone. Be good. Go to class. I'll feed you when you get home.
Me: I don't waaaaaaaaaaaaannnnt to go to class. It's going to be on elder abuse. I've learned about elder abuse in like... four classes already. It's too warm and sunny to care about elder abuse right now.
Dad: Some of my Elders need abuse. [CHURCH JOKE!]
Dad: I'm old.
Me: You're not a freaking ELDER. You have to be like... grandpa's old for that.
Dad: Yeah. Grandpa is old. 85 going on 100.
Me: True. Dat.

(I now work with the elderly and love them).

So as you can see, my dad is obviously awesome. He makes fun of old people, while still loving them. He makes me homemade beef jerky. And he convinces me to skip, and then attend, class. We think a lot of the same things are funny.... We agree on a lot of things, and DISAGREE on a lot of others... and we talk about all of it. We fight, we laugh, we love black licorice and Bill Cosby and being silly. He's awesome. Just the coolest, nicest Dad that I could ask for. And yes, I just ended a sentence in a preposition. And made fun of elder abuse.

And some pictures...

The fam, I think it was my birthday? I'm going to guess I was 8 years old.

Mom and Dad in Myrtle Beach

Our family likes to play this game called "The Great Dalmuti." The round's winner wears a cool hat. The loser wears a non-cool hat. This is a pic of Dad and Stac-Face.

Looks like Dad lost that round.

I have NO idea who won this round. Me, maybe, for having a picture of my dad wearing that hat.

Bond. James Bond. And Mrs. Bond, apparently.

Happy Father's Day, Dad!!

I love you!

-Jessica

Fertility Awareness Method

2011-06-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

About a month and a half ago, one of my readers, Carla, asked me to write about my preferred method of birth control, the Fertility Awareness Method, or Natural Family Planning. She posted my explanation on her blog.

And nooooow I'm posting it here! It's long. It uses the words "cervical," "sperm," and "ovulation." It's once again, long. And it's me, JessicaMayLords, talking about birth control (including which methods I've used in the past). If that grosses you out, then don't read on. You should know that I don't write anything on this blog that I would be embarrassed to have my mom and mom-in-law read. So I'm not going to be inappropriate, but to be truly informative, I can't NOT use the word penis. Do we understand each other?

Good.

So, if I haven't scared you, and if you have ever wanted to know a LOT about FAM, then read away....

When Carla asked me to shed some light on the Fertility Awareness Method, I was more than happy to shed some light on this often misunderstood form of birth control. Most people that I’ve talked to don’t know about the Fertility Awareness Method, and out of those that have heard of it, few understand it. The Fertility Awareness Method, or Natural Family Planning (FAM or NFP; FAM is the term typically used by people who prefer natural birth control, and Natural Family Planning is often used by those who are Catholic or abstain from birth control for religious reasons) are NOT to be confused with the “Rhythm Method” from your mother’s generation. The true FAM is not simply a calendar-based form of birth control; instead, it uses several indicators to determine ovulation.

The FAM can seem daunting when first used – and there is a learning curve. I highly recommend buying “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. It’s about $13, which is about as inexpensive as a month’s worth of the cheapest birth control pill out there at the moment. The nice thing is, it will last you a lot longer than a month!

In “Taking Charge of Your Fertility,” Toni supplies her readers with SO MUCH INFORMATION. I learned things about my body and my fertility that I had never heard of before; did you know that an EARTHQUAKE can throw off your cycle? I thankfully read that before we had a 6.5 earthquake in California; when my cycle length that month was 42 days, I wasn’t nervous about being pregnant. I knew that the earthquake could have affected my cycle, and I realized that I had ovulated about ten days later than normal.

So what is it??

So by now you’re probably wondering, what exactly is the FAM? Well, like I said, the FAM works by using several indictors to determine when a woman’s body ovulates. The most commonly used methods are tracking your cycle days, your basal body temperature, and your cervical fluid/mucus. I know, cervical mucus is a really gross sounding term, but it can let you know when you are fertile and when you are not.

Cycle Days

Let’s start with your cycle days. The first day of your cycle is the first day that you bleed. If you are just spotting a little bit, it’s best to count the first day that you need to actually wear a light pad. If you just wipe yourself and see a scant trace of blood, but don’t need a pad, then that’s not your first day, that’s spotting.

Most medical professionals go by the “Day 14 is when you ovulate” theory, since this is the “average” that the medical community has accepted (the Day 14 average is what is used to determine pregnancy due dates as well, FYI). HOWEVER, you should never assume that you ovulate on Day 14. Some ovulate before, some ovulate after, some have an irregular cycle and their ovulation changes (ding, ding, ding! That’s me!). I personally know that I ovulate, on average, anywhere from Day 19 to Day 30 (occasionally I have really long cycles; my average is 35 days), with my average ovulation day being Day 23. If I was just going by the calendar/rhythm method (assuming Day 14 as ovulation), there’s a good chance I’d be pregnant now. Once you have tracked a few cycles, you have a good idea as to which of your days are fertile.

It would be wonderful if you just had to worry about your fertility – after all, if a woman ovulates only once a cycle, and usually releases just one egg, and that egg only lives for 12-24 hours…. That means you can only get pregnant within one 24 hour day a cycle, right??? WRONG. Because sperm are like tiny microscopic superheroes; they can live 5-6 days in a woman’s reproductive system after ejaculation. And men release approximately 300 million sperm per ejaculation.

I told you there were like little microscopic superheroes.

So. If an egg can last for 24 hours, and occasionally a woman releases two eggs, we’ll figure that a woman is fertile for 48 hours. However, the superhero sperm increase this fertile window to 7-8 days. This means that you could have sex on Day 10 and get pregnant on Day 15.

Weird, eh?

If you want to add a buffer (I do!) then your fertile window is about 10 days per month. But how do you know when you’ve ovulated?

Basal Body Temperature

First, check you basal body temperature. This is taken every morning before you get out of bed. It’s important to take it right about the same time every morning, within an hour. Your temperature before ovulation will be lower than it is after ovulation. For instance, my pre-ovulatory temperature is usually about 97.7-97.9. After ovulation, my temperate is usually 98.4-98.6. When my tempature spikes from low to high, I know I’ve ovulated. It’s important to chart this temperature change daily, especially when you are just starting the FAM. I highly recommend using FertilityFriend.com. I chart my temps using Fertility Friend, and it shows me when I’ve ovulated in a cycle, and keeps track of my averages. It’s a free service as well! You can choose to get a membership, which runs about $10-15 a month, depending on which package you choose. Membership gives you a bit more perks, but I currently use the free version. The basal body thermometer I use takes my temp in ten seconds, so I barely have to open my eyes in the morning, which is excellent; it also remembers the last temperature taken, so I can chart later that day.

Cervical Fluid

Another indicator of fertility is your cervical mucus/fluid. During your unfertile days, you will experience dry, tacky, or crumbly cervical mucus. Your mucus changes throughout your cycle. When you get closer to ovulation, it will become wetter, or creamier. When you are experiencing fertile cervical mucus, it will have a similar consistency to eggwhites. You can even stretch it between your fingers. This is the perfect consistency for sperm to live in; it’s their favorite. Dry cervical mucus is their kryptonite. The pH is wrong, and they can’t swim like superheroes when they don’t have anything to swim in.

Combining it all

Tracking your days, your temperature, and your cervical mucus will tell you when (and if) you are ovulating. Since you don’t know your ovulation day until you’ve already ovulated, it’s CRITICAL that you chart for several months before determining “Safe Days.” Since I know I haven’t ovulated before Day 19 in a year and a half, and I know that sperm can live for 5-6 days, I know that I’m safe to have unprotected sex from Day 1 to Day 13. It’s possible I may not ovulate until Day 23, or later, but I don’t want to risk pregnancy.

Once I have ovulated (let’s say, on Day 19) then I need to continue taking my temperature. Once I have had three temperatures that are high, I am “Safe” the night of the third day. I will occasionally wait until the night of the fourth day of a high temperature, just to be on the safe side.

When you are in your fertile window, you can choose a number of possibilities to protect against pregnancy. You can abstain from vaginal sex (other types of intimacy that don’t bring sperm in contact with the vagina are fine), you can use a barrier method such as a condom, diaphragm, cervical cap, etc, or you can use the withdrawal method.

What to use in your fertile window

I have abstained, used condoms or a diaphragm, and used the withdrawal method. Each method has its pros and cons. I abstained from sex until I was married, so while I’m familiar with abstaining, I certainly don’t love it. You can find other ways besides vaginal sex to be intimate, however.

Condoms

My husband and I have used condoms, but we don’t like them very much. However, when used perfectly, they have a 98% effectiveness rate. When used typically (imperfectly) they have an 82% effectiveness rate. This means that if 100 couples use condoms perfectly for a full year, 2 of those couples will become pregnant. If 100 couples use condoms imperfectly for a full year, 18 couples will come pregnant. Condoms are relatively inexpensive, which makes this barrier method good for a budget; it’s also easy to have one on you and be discrete. Condoms do offer protection against STD/STIs.

Diaphragm

We’ve also used a diaphragm. While I found the diaphragm allows a better sensation during sex, it can be difficult to put in, and your partner may feel it inside your vagina. A diaphragm requires spermicide to work, which is a gel/cream/jelly that has a chemical in it that kills sperm when they come in contact with it. When used perfectly, it has an effectiveness of 94%. When used typically, it has an effectiveness of 88%. My diaphragm was free through Title X funds because we were low income at the time – I believe they are normally around $65 for the diaphragm, and spermicide usually costs about $1 per use. Diaphragms do not protect against STD/STIs.

Withdrawal

The withdrawal method has gotten a bad rap. In Sex Ed, I heard the joke (as I’m sure many of you have as well), “What do you call people who use the withdrawal method?” “Parents.”

Ba dump bah.

HOWEVER. New studies show that pre-coital fluid (the small amount of fluid that comes out of the penis before ejaculation occurs) does NOT have sperm in it as previously thought. If a man has ejaculated within two hours of intercourse, and hasn’t gone to the bathroom since then, he may still have living sperm in his urethra. If he hasn’t ejaculated in the last two hours, or he’s gone to the bathroom since them, sperm should not be present in his urethra or pre-coital fluid. Withdrawal can be tricky however; the body’s natural tendency is to thrust inwards during ejaculation, not to pull out. Because of this, the withdrawal method is best used when a couple has been having monogamous sex for a while, when they trust one another, and when they (especially the man!) knows his own body and when he is about to ejaculate. When used perfectly, the effectiveness rate for the withdrawal method is 96%, almost as good as using a condom. When used imperfectly, the effectiveness rate is 73%. The withdrawal method does NOT protect again STD/STIs.

Effectiveness

The FAM is not as effective at preventing pregnancy as hormonal methods. When used perfectly every time, it can reach effectiveness rates of 98%, which is just a bit less than birth control pills. However, with typical use (meaning, imperfectly), it has about a 75% effectiveness rate. This means that if the FAM is used perfectly every time, 2 couples out of 100 will become pregnant within a year of use. If it is used typically (imperfectly), 25 out of 100 couples will become pregnant in a year.

This is where I get a little judge-y. I don’t understand how someone could use the FAM imperfectly. If you know you aren’t on hormones, and that the only think preventing pregnancy is you being smart and prepared… why would you take a chance?? I have no idea. I have used the FAM for over a year and a half now, and I’ve never been pregnant. However, I’m very diligent with my birth control.

The Fertility Awareness Method is best used by couples in a long-term, monogamous relationship... which to me, means marriage. The more your partner is invested in your relationship, and the more committed he is to NOT getting you pregnant, the better your odds will be; someone who doesn't plan on staying with you as long may not be as understanding of you requiring condoms on day and nothing the next.

Why I use it

Okay. That was a LOT of information, most of it quite technical. So why do I use the Fertility Awareness Method? I LOVE not being on hormones. I have been on two birth control pills so far. One made me feel crazy – I had terrible mood swings, I cried all the time, and it gave me high blood pressure, which led to panic attacks. I switched from that pill to another pill. The second pill I really liked, actually. I could predict my period to a 3 hour window, it made my cycles that regular. Not only that, but it cleared up my skin really nicely (I even had a guy friend ask what skin products I used!). However, it was known to cause blood clots in some women. After a few friends who were using it developed blood clots, and a friend of a friend died from a blood clot attributed to this birth control pill, I became concerned and my family members asked me to get off the pill, as it was worrying them.

I decided that I’d try the FAM and use a diaphragm or condom on “Unsafe Days.” My husband and I hate condoms, but we used them… for a while. The diaphragm wasn’t bad… but it wasn’t great. My husband could feel it when we were being intimate, and it was difficult to get in at times. For a while we were just abstinent during my “Unsafe Days” but THAT isn’t very fun. We switched to the withdrawal method after I researched it quite a bit and found that it’s actually a pretty good method – if used correctly, just as good (if not better) than a diaphragm.

I like the FAM because I don’t have to be on hormones, and I don’t have to pop a pill every day. Now that I know when I’m likely to ovulate, I only take my temperature about 10 days out of the month, and I’m aware of my cervical mucus without having to actually check it (just look at toilet paper after you wipe, and you have a good idea). Since I have an irregular cycle, the FAM is a bit more difficult for me than it is for those with a regular cycle. I am okay with the difficulty, however; it’s worth it to me to be in touch with my body and to use a more natural form of birth control. I would recommend the FAM to anyone who wants a natural form of birth control, who is willing to take a few months using barrier methods every time they have intercourse in order to establish a “usual” cycle, and who wouldn’t be crushed if they get pregnant. My husband and I are excited for children in the future, but we’re not ready at the moment. With the FAM, I won’t need to go off hormones before trying to get pregnant; because I know when I ovulate, I’m more likely to have a better chance to conceive, because I know exactly when I’m fertile. If you use the FAM correctly every time, and if you’re willing to learn a bit and buy the “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” book, I think this is a great method!

If you have any questions about the Fertility Awareness Method, please feel free to email me at jessicamaylords at gmail dot com or leave a comment.

Lands' End Deals!!

2011-06-11T20:37:00.002-07:00

Okay. I admit it. I have a mad crush on Lands' End. I love their casual, all American look. They have great deals now and then, and I love the everyday casual vibe they offer; all you need to do is add a statement necklace and you're set!

I have two of their down jackets, and a rain jacket. I also have a fleece of theirs, and it's oh so comfy. And I have a bathing suit bottom, because it was an amazing deal at $4 with free shipping.

And now they are having an awesome 25% off clearance deal, with FREE SHIPPING. Just use code LANDSEND and promo ID 1140.

So of COURSE I'm having difficulty not buying things. But how friggin cute is this bag??

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Soooooooo cute. And it's only $13.50!!!! I'm still not sure why I'm not pulling the trigger... we'll see how long I last.


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This bag is also a steal at $13.50. It reminds me a bit of my high school days, shopping in the Boystown neighborhood in Chicago, checking out the Army/Navy Surplus stores for awesome canvas bags. I'd be pretty tempted to pay the $5 to get my initials monogrammed on it, or to make a stencil in the bottom corner.

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This bag is super cute, especially with the rope handles. I'm really digging the nautical look this spring. However, at $38, it's just way too much for a canvas bag right now. I know that Lands' End canvas bags are super sturdy, much better than you'll find most places, but it still seems a bit steep. I'm thinking I could always buy canvas and make a bag similar to this, and stencil it... Or I could just get a really simple canvas bag pre-made and stencil it. I know it wouldn't have the same detail as this sailboat, but I could get a similar feel...

But that first sailboat bag... that's a hard one to forget about. And it would be perfect for work - right now when I walk to work I carry a big canvas grocery bag with my breakfast, lunch, Kindle, and purse inside. Have I mentioned how much I love my Kindle... because I friggin' love it. Reading the Mercy Thompson series right now, voraciously. Anyways...

This would hold all my stuff and I wouldn't be carry a canvas grocery sack (people out here say sack instead of bag... isn't that strange??). I'm thinking about it... thinking....

New Math

2011-06-10T22:21:00.002-07:00

via Geek in Heels

p.s. I CAN'TFRIGGINWAIT to see the last Harry Potter movie!! It's going to be so wonderful and so sad. I'll most likely see it twice. Not gonna lie.

Us

2011-06-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like this picture, taken about 2 weeks after Bryan and I started dating, goes to show we should definitely be together. I think it just looks like we belong together.

But it could also be that I'm looking through it through "rose tinted glasses" (as Bryan likes to remind me when I say he looks cute no matter what).

But whatevs. We're going to have adorable babies one day.

I want this.

2011-06-07T15:07:00.001-07:00

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WANT.NEED.WANT.

Some New Products that I Love

2011-06-04T11:40:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I want to tell you, my fabuloid readers, about crap I like. But sometimes it's a bit much to do a post for every product. So here's a few products in one post. Whaaaaaaaat.

First of all, these are new to ME products. They have probably been around for a gazillion years but I like them NOW so I'm going to review them NOW. And no, unfortunately I'm not getting paid for this and I wasn't given a free sample. BUT, if a company like.... say... MERRELL wanted to give me a free pair of their awesome PACE GLOVE BAREFOOT SHOES... I would TOTALLY review them. Just saying. Merrell. Please.

Merrell.

Anyways.

First up.... Malibu Tan Golden Glow Skin Firming Bronzing Moisturizer Hemp Body Lotion. Ohhhh my gosh that's the longest name on earth.

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I got this at Walmart for less than $6. And mine has 40% MORE, it's 24.5 ounces for LESS THAN 6 BUCKS. I think Walmart is one of the only couple stores that sell it, so yes, you have to go into the belly of the beast, Wally world.

Yikes.

BUT IT'S SO WORTH IT! This stuff gives you a nice, gradual tan, and it's SO moisturizing. My skin feels awesome. Sometimes self-tanners leave you smelling like crap, even if they smelled okay when you first put them on, they get nasty. Malibu Tan smells awesome when you put it on, and all day long. It has a definite coconut smell to it, but also a bit of a sugary, almost chocolate scent. It's not overpowering, and there's enough of a musky undernote that keeps it from being too sweet. It's awesome. You should totally try it. It's SO much better than Banana Boat, Jergens, and Nivea, all which ended up smelling nasty after an hour or so.

Here are the ingredients, in case you are interested:
Water, Propylene Glycol, Coconut (Cocos Nucifera) Oil, Cetearyl Alcohol, Polysorbate 60, Isopropyl Myristate, Cetyl Alcohol, Sorbitan Stearate, Dihydroxyacetone, Glycerin, Stearic Acid, Hempseed (Cannabis Sativa) Oil, Tocopheryl Acetate, Erythrulose, Ubiquinone, Butylene Glycol, PEG-8, Bupleurum Falcatum Extract, Caffeine, Coenzyme A, Sesame (Sesamum Indicum) Oil, Jojoba (Buxus Chinensis) Oil, Sunflower (Helianthus Annuus) Seed Oil, Olive (Olea Europaea) Oil, Tea Tree (Melaleuca Alternifolia) Oil, Green Tea (Camellia Oleifera) Extract, Calendula Officinalis Extract, Cyclomethicone, Dimethicone, Sodium Gluconate, Potassium Sorbate, Diazolidinyl Urea, Methylparaben, Propylparaben, Fragrance, BHT, Citric Acid.

Seriously, this stuff is GOLD. It takes about 5-10 minutes to totally dry though, so be prepared for 5-10 minutes of nakeyness in your bathroom.

Next awesome product is Teeccino Caffeine-Free Herbal Coffee in Hazelnut. It's a "coffee substitute" that doesn't have coffee or tea in it. Here are the ingredients: organic carob, organic barley, organic chicory, dates, almonds, organic dates, natural hazelnut flavor, organic figs. It sounds really weird, but it totally does taste like coffee and it's delicious. I added some yummy flavored creamer to it and it's heaven. AND, I'm not supposed to be drinking a lot of coffee, and this is totally satisfying my coffee longing.

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It comes in super convenient tea bags, so it's easy to throw a couple in my bag and bring them to work. Since it's caffeine free, it doesn't have the kick of coffee, but that's okay. It's still awesome.

I realize that these aren't a product as much as a piece of clothing... but...

I just got these super cute "Pedal Pushers" from Old Navy. They were on clearance for like $5!!! They are so super duper cute. They're a linen-cotton blend and totally appropriate for the office when paired with a cute blouse. And if you're short like me, it's hard to find capris that aren't too long. Sometimes capris look like just slightly too short pants on me, which looks dumb.

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SO cute. And they totally fit my hips (they're wide, y'all) but not at all dowdy. SO CUTE. Seriously, if you're by an Old Navy, GO CHECK OUT THE CLEARANCE SECTION. These are adorable.

So yeah, these are my new things, and they are awesome.

OHMYGOSHSTUFFCOSTSMONEY

2011-05-30T15:28:00.000-07:00

Bryan and I have been talking about buying a sofa/love seat for a while now. We've only owned secondhand furniture. Wellllll, we bought a sofa and love seat set today! Yikes!!!!

HOWEVER... it was 50% off (maybe more?) and came with pillows. And it's cute and exactly the color I wanted (well, I wanted anything in a grey or bluish-grey) and it was a great deal. And it's going to look awesome in our apartment.

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The color is called "Steel" and it's definitely a steel blue. I'm really excited to see it in our apartment with all of our dark brown/black furniture and our gray rug. I think it'll look really cute, and it's nice to actually have "adult" furniture. I feel like we've been sort of college-y for a long time. I get a bit jealous when I go to friends' houses that have been married for a shorter time than we have and their stuff if gorgeous and looks put-together. So, I hope this helps out a bit. I'd kill for the wood floors in the photo above, but I suppose slightly gross tan carpet will do for now.

And now I'm going to take an ibuprofen, because spending money gives me a headache. Still, very excited. Now we just have to get it to Jackson....

TMI again, because you love me.

2011-05-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

Okay. This is a really short post.

I've been AMAZED at how much I miss my Diva Cup since burning it. I haven't gotten around to buying another one yet, so it's back to tampons and pads. I've used my Diva Cup for the last year and a half, maybe more... and although people always say "ewwww that sounds gross!" when I tell them about the Diva Cup, let me tell you....

PADS AND TAMPONS ARE SO MUCH WORSE. I feel disgusting. Using a Diva Cup throughout your entire period is SO much cleaner than using pads and tampons. With the Diva, you put it in, take it out to empty and clean it (about every 8-12 hours), and shove it back up there. It pretty much lives in your vagina for your whole period. Think of it as your vagina's happy little silicone period friend.

And tampons and pads are your vagina's angry, bitter friend that makes your vagina feel crappy about itself. And you have to change tampons ALL THE FRIGGIN' TIME.

BLECH. Women are gross once a month. Gah-ROSS.

Seriously. Diva Cup. It will make you hate your period a whole lot less.

Most Popular Post

2011-05-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

I just thought I'd tell you (according to my stats) that my most popular post was the Steve Zahn lookalike post here.

Kinda funny, huh?

Next popular is this post, where I explain I'm not a porn star.

Oh, and that Possibilities post, where I explain how I want to get this awesome property management job that pays well? Yeah, still haven't heard back. Called our friend who has an "in" since he works for the company, and he hasn't heard a peep either, which he thinks is annoying. So it's not just us. :-)

This weekend is Elkfest, so on Sunday there's a big chili cookout in town square apparently, which I am VERY excited to attend. I love me some chili, and I'm ready to be discriminating (meaning I want to try every single one, thanks!)

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Madeleine L'Engle's Kairos Series

2011-05-20T22:09:00.002-07:00

My absolute favorite author growing up was Madeleine L'Engle. She wrote "A Wrinkle in Time," "A Wind in the Door," "A Swiftly Tilting Planet," "Many Waters," and "An Acceptable Time" among many, many other books. Although most of these books were written in the '60s, when I was younger I felt like they spoke directly to me. I love Meg Murray, Calvin O'Keef, and Charles Wallace. I love the mix of fantasy and sci-fi, but also that the books were very easy to relate to, and not TOO out of this world. I loved how Meg was insecure, awkward, but that Calvin still cared for her and saw her as beautiful. I loved slightly weird Charles Wallace (who would now most likely be diagnosed with high-functioning Autism or Asbergers) and how he was so intelligent and kind. I loved ALL of it. And I still do.

I am SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING getting this boxed set:

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I do wish that they were hardcover... but I always said I'd get this series (also known as the Kairos series, or Time Quintet... she wrote another series on another set of families, and the characters from both series occasionally intertwine) so that my kids could eventually read them. If you HAVEN'T read these, and you appreciate really good YA lit, I highly recommend these books.

I also love Madeleine's other work; she wrote on faith a lot, on marriage, on friendship. Here are some fantastic quotes by Madeleine:

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been."

"If we commit ourselves to one person for life, this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather, it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession but participation."

"I will have nothing to do with a God who cares only occasionally. I need a God who is with us always, everywhere, in the deepest depths as well as the highest heights. It is when things go wrong, when good things do not happen, when our prayers seem to have been lost, that God is most present. We do not need the sheltering wings when things go smoothly. We are closest to God in the darkness, stumbling along blindly."

Madeleine died in 2007 at the age of 88.

Really Glad We Live in Jackson

2011-05-16T19:29:00.005-07:00

A lot of my coworkers/friends live in Star Valley, about an hour south of Jackson. It's not a commute that I would be remotely interested in, but they're able to afford homes there, and there's a bit more space. However, there was a FRIGGIN HUGE mudslide yesterday that turned into a landslide (cue Fleetwood Mac) and now the road looks like this:

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Yeah. So now if you want to go from Star Valley to Jackson, you normally would take this route:

View Larger Map

It takes just a bit more than an hour.

Annnnnnnd now you have to take this route:

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That's over 2 hours, WITHOUT traffic. I'm super bummed for my friends who have to make this new commute... and really happy that we live in Jackson.

My commute?

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1 mile.

UPDATE: This is the slide today, 5/18/11. They're going to wait until it naturally stabilizes and then it will take up to a week to clean up. So yeah. May be closed for two weeks. Right in time for tourist season.

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Sorry

2011-05-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been blogging, I've been playing "Angry Birds" online for FREE.

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Good Tuesday

2011-05-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

Wonderful night with brand new friends. Brew pub, Thai noodle dish, talks on theology, beer, mission trips to Peru, and why we still believe. Just fantastic. FINALLY feeling like I sort of belong in this wonderful place. Finally.

Summer Sunglasses

2011-05-10T17:24:00.000-07:00

Today I bought not one, but TWO pairs of prescription sunglasses.

Yes, I am addicted to buying glasses.

I used Gimp (like Photoshop, but FREE) to give an idea of what the glasses I bought will look like as sunglasses.

First, the super cute red ones:

googles4u.com

Yeah I didn't do that great at Gimping these. Sorry.

And the ones that Bryan thinks are gross looking, but I think may turn out really cute:

They're slightly dorky and tortoise shell. I think they'll turn out looking like a mix between these:

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and these:

Marc by Marc Jacobs

If you go to goggles4u.com, you can get a great deal on glasses with coupon code "SLICKDEAL." The red glasses cost me $14 total, with shipping. The tortoise shell cost $9 with shipping.

BOOYAH.

The Marc Jacobs glasses above? $110. Without a prescription. Yep. I think that's pretty awesome.

Summer Clothes!

2011-05-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

Okay. It's still fricking cold here in Jackson. Yesterday it rained/snowed all day, and it was GROSS. Today is rainy as well. I cannot WAIT for warm weather. Apparently it's supposed to warm up later this week, and then get cold and rainy again next week. Boo.

BUT, I've been thinking about sunshine, maxi dresses, and sandals. We're going on a cruise in January, so I'm looking forward to being able to wear pretty dresses during the summer AND for a week this winter. Woohoo!

I wear a lot of sun dresses during the summer, often with a tank top underneath. This summer I'm excited about sun dresses, but I'm leaning toward maxi dresses. They're pretty, easy to dress up or down, and you don't have to worry about your legs being all pasty white. AND Bryan thinks they're feminine and pretty. Here's a Polyvore look at what I'm thinking:

Summer Casual by jessicamaybe

Lace dress, $41
Dress, $41
Reef beach sandal, $29
BP faux leather handbag, $32
Beaded jewelry, $13
Engraved jewelry, $12
Cluster necklace, $18
Beanie hat, $17
Dorothy Perkins brown shade, 8 GBP

The sandals are Reef's "Ugandals" made with beads from 31 Bits! If you don't know 31 Bits... you should. They're an awesome company run by a bunch of 20-something gals in California that work with women in Uganda - they make BEAUTIFUL jewelry, and create jobs for women in Uganda. Not only are they helping women in Uganda, they're actively involved in these women's lives.

I'm also sort of in love with this dress from Forever 21, but I'm afraid it would make me look pregnant, as there isn't much of a waistline.

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I LOVE the colors, however. So cute.

Thanks to P90X, I'm actually starting to see definition in my arms and back, which will make me feel MUCH more confident in these dresses.

Any other maxi dress fans out there?? Do you obsess about clothes and stalk them online, deciding if you REALLY need them?

Thoughts on Mother's Day

2011-05-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

My mom is friggin' awesome. That is a fact. She's sweet, compassionate, funny as heck, and adorable when snarky. She's beautiful, strong, and independent. My mom kicks butt. Period.

My mom at my age

I was NOT a fan of high school. I liked it for the first two years, and then was pretty much done with the whole thing. I had similar experiences with middle school and college. I like it for the first two years, and then I start getting all itchy-feet and bored. One of the things that annoyed me the most about high school was the annoying videos. I HATED it when teachers made us watch videos, especially if it was a movie I'd already seen, or a movie of the book we just read. It seemed like a waste of time. So, on those days, I'd call my mom and let her know we're watching a video, and she'd call me out of that class. And I'd either go home or to Starbucks and study. I occasionally skipped class as well, but it was awesome to have a mom who realized that I could make a decision about whether or not it was worth sitting in class or studying on my own. I'm sure a lot of people think that's dumb but I was really thankful for it.

What can I say, we've always been stylish

I went to college at a university only one hour and fifteen minutes away from my folks, which was awesome. When my folks drove me down to school freshman year, my mom pretended that she wasn't leaving me at school and was in denial until she actually had to go home... and then we both bawled like babies.

Mom and I a week before I left for Wyoming for the summer of 2006

When I got engaged, my mom took me dress shopping. I had no idea what kind of dress I was looking for; we tried on dress after dress, looking for the perfect one. I finally decided to try on a really plain dress that my dad and I had noticed online; when I tried it on, my mom though it was pretty but slightly boring. Then she found a sash... and it was perfect. And we cried.

Picking out my wedding dress

As the wedding grew closer and closer, I realized more and more that I was THISCLOSE to moving out of my parents' house. And it was incredibly bittersweet. After the wedding and the honeymoon, as we got ready to move to California, I grew increasingly sad and was in denial about leaving. One evening, Bryan saw my mom sitting in the living room, and said "You need to go be with your mom. We leave in two days." I'm not sure I ever cried as much as I did then, sitting in my mom's lap, feeling like a child who wasn't ready to grow up.

Mom and I in San Juan on a cruise in 2009

It's been almost four years since I left home for good. And I still miss my mom and dad like crazy, but at least it's easier than when we first moved. I talk to my mom two or three times a week, and I'm so thankful for our relationship. She truly is my best friend (along with my husband). I remember so many days sitting on the kitchen counter after school, catching up with my mom. I am excited for the day that we have kids and I can have a relationship with them like the one I have with my mom. I think one of the biggest reasons I'm nervous to get pregnant is that I'm not sure I'm unselfish enough to be the kind of mom that my mom was to me. That kind of love takes a LOT of time, effort, and energy. I hope to be that kind of mom one day.

Mom and Dad in Humboldt County, California

Dry, Hypocritical, Agnostic Prayer

2011-05-07T22:14:00.002-07:00

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My favorite poet of all time is Rumi, otherwise known as Jalāl ad-Dīn Muḥammad Rūmī. He was introduced to me by my dear friend Kati, and I have loved him ever since. Rumi was a Persian who lived in the 13th century and was a Sufi mystic. Although he was Muslim, he was known in his time as person familiar and comfortable with other belief systems; he had a keen interest in Jesus Christ, toward whom he seemed to have affectionate feelings. I am a Christian, but I have found some writings of Rumi which I gravitate towards; you can tell this is a man who devoted his life to searching for God and asking questions. This is one of my favorite writings of his:

"If you haven't any knowledge and only opinions, have good opinions about God. This is the way. If you can only crawl, crawl to Him. If you cannot pray sincerely, offer your dry, hypocritical, agnostic prayer; for God in His mercy accepts bad coin. If you have a hundred doubts of God, make them into ninety doubts. This is the way. O, Seeker! Though you have broken your vows a hundred times, come again! Come again! For God has said, 'Though you are on high or in the pit consider me, for I am the Way.'"

"If you cannot pray sincerely, offer your dry, hypocritical, agnostic prayer; for God in His mercy accepts bad coin." I know that I have offered many of these prayers in my life; prayers that didn't come from a place of love and compassion and devotion, but a place of anger, confusion, and selfishness. But God accepts these prayers, just as he accepts me. And for that, I am incredibly grateful.

Possibilities...

2011-05-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

Bryan and I were walking home the other day from church when a car pulled up next to us and my friend Kate's husband rolled down the window. We've only really hung out with him once, but he saw us and thought he would say hello. We chatted for quite a bit, and he mentioned his job and how he's taking on more responsibility. Now, we know he makes a good amount of money. He gave us an idea of HOW much he makes, though, and it's CRAZY. Seriously. He works really hard, it's true, but he's making over three times as much money as I do. He works as a property manager over something like 10 different apartment complexes here in town. The guy is busy but he makes up for it in his paycheck.

I jokingly said "Man! You suck!! Let me know if there are any openings..." And then he said, "Actually... there's an opening at one complex. You'd be in charge of 24 apartments, but it's free rent and you get another $500 a month. And they pay utilities."

Whaaaaaaat? So we applied this evening. The apartment is a nice second story 2 bedroom apartment a half mile from the hospital where I work. I'd work in the "office" (which would be a desk located in our living room) in the evenings and for about 4-5 hours on Tuesdays, and Bryan would do some maintenance, water the lawn, mow the lawn, and snow blow the walkways. I'd only have about 4-6 hours of actual office WORK per week, but we'd need to be available for 2 hours on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings, and on Tuesdays from around 9am-2pm. And we'd be saving about $1500 a month.

SERIOUSLY.

We talked about it for a few days, because it WILL be a change, and it will be more work for us. However, we'd be bringing in another $18,000 a year or so. WHICH IS AMAZING.

Apparently they're looking at a few couples at the moment, because they want someone who is experienced with office work, light maintenance, and is quiet. So they should obviously hire us.

AND we'd be right across the street from Kate and her family, which would be really neat! So, yes, I'm quite excited. I really hope we get this position, I think it would be amazing. I was planning on working at Solitude this summer on Tuesdays to help save for our cruise, but if we were able to pull this off, we'd be paid up in just a month and a half. YEAH. Friggin' awesome.

So if you could send happy thoughts/prayers/magic/donuts our way... that would be great. :-)

Osama, War, Peace

2011-05-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

Last night, as I was finishing watching "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" (I'm making my way through the movies again) I got a text message from my friend Ashley who said, "Osama has been killed. Turn on CNN, the president is speaking soon."

My first response? "Awesome, thanks!"

My next thought? "Did I just say awesome? Is it really awesome when ANYONE'S life is taken? I can't believe I texted that to my new friend Ashley... I hope she doesn't think less of me."

I dunno. It's a hard situation. As a Christian I don't think it's okay to rejoice in anyone's death. Yet I recognize that Osama bin Laden was a man who killed MANY and who has SO much blood on his hands. As do we as Americans.

Last night Rachel Held Evans tweeted, "“Trying to keep in mind that how I respond to the death of my enemies says as much about me as it does about my enemies." And I totally understand that, and agree.

The Vatican released this statement:

Osama bin Laden, as we all know, bore the most serious responsibility for spreading divisions and hatred among populations, causing the deaths of innumerable people, and manipulating religions for this purpose.

In the face of a man’s death, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibilities of each person before God and before men, and hopes and works so that every event may be the occasion for the further growth of peace and not of hatred.

Yes.

My friend Trisha's husband has PTSD from him time in Iraq and Afghanistan, and she says this has really set him back; he doesn't know how to respond. "Mission completed." He doesn't think this will change much. He doesn't know how to feel. He didn't sleep last night.

That's really all I have to say on the subject. It's a weird day.

AnthroOHMYGOSHINEEDITNOW

2011-04-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

Most of you know my obsession with Anthropologie, and you also know that I'm not rich, so I can't really shop much at Anthro. But I wish my world had a LOT more Anthro-style to it. So fantastic.

Here are two things I want NOW. I realize I don't have a little girl, but if I did, I would buy this IMMEDIATELY:

Tea-And-Crumpets Apron

SO CUTE. And actually SUPER affordable at $24.

And of course I'd need a new apron too... like this one:

Strawberry-Rhubarb Apron

Still not a bad deal at $32! So sweet and classy.

Or maybe get a matching apron???

Adult Tea-And-Crumpets Apron

Once again, not a bad deal at $32! In LOVE, so SWEET and classic!!

Harry Potter is my Hero

2011-04-27T19:09:00.001-07:00

Head over to Geek in Heels to check out some AWESOMENESS, like this piece of goodness:

Click for the full size!

Talkin' Bout My Healthy Bits

2011-04-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

So if you've keeping up with my blog, you'll remember that I had lots of bloodwork recently. Oh, and I had an ultrasound on my left boob. Yep.

My boob is totally fine, although it is WEIRD to see a boob on an ultrasound, I have to admit. "What's that??" "Oh, those are the fatty deposits that make up breast tissue." "What are those little white lines?" "Those are Cooper's ligaments... they keep your breasts perky. And when you get older they will break down and your boobs will sag. It's just what happens."

Yikes!

So they have no idea why I have the weird sensation in my boob, but I was told to cut down on caffeine (I DID start drinking coffee again about two or three months ago... have to switch to decaf, I guess), to take Vitamin E supplements twice a day, and to take Evening Primrose Oil supplements. Supposedly that should help, so that's good.

All of my bloodwork came back fine, except my Follicule-Stimulating Hormone was a little bit high. Apparently that means that I may have slightly less eggs than I should have at my age, or something like that. Of course, it's only a little bit higher of a level of this FSH stuff, and I still have a ton of eggs, so they're not worried that it will really affect my fertility or anything. Which is pretty cool, because we are planning on starting a family in the next year or so.

As far as my weight loss plan... well, apparently I just suck at weight loss. I've been working out regularly since January and have only lost about 3 pounds. Which is better than nothing, I suppose! I have also lost an inch around my hips, and about an inch off each thigh. This morning I tried on some of my cute dresses, thinking about weddings this summer and our cruise next winter. I really hope that I lose at least another two inches off my hips (I'd prefer more like 5 inches, but we'll see) and at least another two off my thighs. If I could lose some tummy, that would be pretty awesome as well.

We've been struggling with P90X this last week or so. We've had a hard time getting the work out in, and we've been pretty tired and trying to catch up on sleep. Tonight is the second round of Yoga X this week... this is HARDCORE YOGA. Seriously, I do not know how they do some of these poses. My body doesn't move like that. Last night, after Core Synergistic, I made Bryan take pictures of my downward dog (that sounded dirty) so I could work on improving my pose. I'm doing well, but I totally want the awesome almost concave downward dog that Pam (the Blam) can do. Mine looks like this right now:

source

which is totally good. BUT, I would love for it to look like this (similar to Pam the Blam!s):

source

Okay, Pam's is even MORE concave. But look at that! Feet flat on the ground, hips to the sky, chest to the knees... impressive!

So. We're only on week 4 out of 8, so I'm hoping that I lose more weight. Apparently many women don't recommend weighing yourself for the first 45 days, as you're primarily building muscle, so you won't see much weight loss. I would, however, like to lose some poundage and inches, so it's hard not to check that scale in the morning. I'm hoping between P90X and some running that I'll slowly get back in shape. I want to look good for this cruise next January!! And I'd like to feel less self-conscious in a lot of my clothes. So here's hoping.

Grand Teton National Park in April

2011-04-23T11:24:00.001-07:00

2 Spiritual Thoughts.

2011-04-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

I love Nickel Creek, and I love this song. Ignore the Comic Sans. It's evil, I know.

"For all our talk about narrow roads, Christianity has become a broad, gushing stream. Acknowledging that, with humility, ought to give us pause before we start all the in-fighting and name-calling."

Read more: Flexibility, Heretics, and Love Wins (very little is actually about "Love Wins")

Hi, I'm Neurotic, Would You Like to Be My Friend?

2011-04-19T01:23:00.000-07:00

Ohhhhhhh. Sometimes my craziness drives ME crazy. I know that doesn't really make much sense.

Let me explain.

Bryan and I are painting the living room. Two (ish) walls are bright white (it's really one full wall and two partial bits of wall) and one is a light blue grey. Earlier today I decided I hate the blue grey color and Bryan agreed it looked violet, and I'm an adult who doesn't want a violet wall. Decided.

However, after a second coat, it's getting better. Weeeeee'llllllllll see.

That's not the basis of the crazy, though.

WHILE I was painting, I happened to get my monthly friend (heck yes this is THAT sort of story... sort of) and thought "I ought to sanitize my Diva Cup before using it."

What's a Diva Cup? Check out what I wrote a year ago or whatevs for specifics, but, in shorthand, it's a silicone cup I shove up my vagina during my period to catch menstrual blood. I take it out every 10-12 hours, pour the stuff in the toilet, rinse it, and put it back in. It's much easier than tampons, I almost never have to change it in public, and it's environmentally cuddly, or something.

So. I put it on the stove, along with some dishsoap (I have no idea why... it's not in the directions and probably a bad idea....) and I walk away.

....

And I don't remember that I've put it on the stove to be sanitized until all the water has evaporated and it's burning and the house is filling with smoke.

Oh yeah, did I mention our smoke alarm's battery died last week? Yeah.

So I run and grab it (it's not burning, thankfully, but smells TERRIBLE) and throw it outside, pot and all. And then I open the door, the sliding door, and all the windows I can. Bryan has been in bed for a half hour so doesn't understand WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME when I run into our room saying "Bryan!!" and then "I almost burned our apartment down!" and then "I burned my Diva Cup!" and then "I have to open all the windows in here and I'm stealing your fan."

Then I try to air the place out for two hours.

But of course, my mind starts working....

And now I have semi-convinced myself that burning a Diva Cup in a non-stick pot (I know, they're bad) will immediately give me cancer, or carbon monoxide poisoning, or death, or something.

Seriously. This happened two hours ago and I'm still awake freaked out and wanting to keep the doors open all night (probably a bad idea????).

It just smells gross. I know it's probably not at all healthy for us, but I'm not sure it's MORE unhealthy than sitting around a campfire when people throw in styrofoam plates (hello, childhood) or plastic. BUT IT IS MY HOME and now I'm obviously coming down with a bit of cancer/blacklung/pickyourdisease.

Annnnd it doesn't help that I'm getting an ultrasound on my left boob tomorrow because it's still feeling a bit weird/tender, and that I have like 9 tests to have done at the lab on Wednesday to find out if I have polycystic ovarian syndrome or whatever else it could be making my hormones wacky.

So. I'm feeling a bit neurotic these days.

Did I mention we invited new friends over to our apartment tomorrow night? The same day that I'm getting my ultrasound and finishing painting the living room ceiling and putting all the furniture back and cleaning up and making dinner???

Hi, I'm neurotic. Would you like to be my friend?

Parks and Recreation

2011-04-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

Any Parks and Rec fans here?? I LOVE this show, I think it's one of the absolute best shows on television. And last night's episode was AMAZING.

I don't want to give anything away to those of you who still need to catch it on Hulu like I did this evening. But SO AWESOME. I'll try to recap later this week, yes?

Seriously. So good.

Sometimes I Pretend That I'm Social

2011-04-08T21:38:00.001-07:00

So I've been emailing back and forth for the last two days with one of the pastors at the Episcopalian church. Once again, trying to find a church/faith gathering that fits our worldview and beliefs.

It's not easy.

We heard about this emergent gathering that will start up again in June, which is cool. The pastor let us know that he and a bunch of other people in the community that do sort of an interfaith thing were going to the Center for the Arts for an improv show. So we went too!

It was a pretty good time, pretty funny. The most awkward part was when the guy asked "so what do you guys do for fun?"

Uhhhhh... hang out together. Go to eat at a lot of the same restaurants. Go visit family in Idaho. Do stuff outside. I dunno.

"Do you guys go dancing, or do karaoke, or hang out with friends?

No. Not really. No.

Whatever. At least we tried tonight. The funny thing was, a few people we saw tonight we'd already met at some churches that we didn't really feel comfortable in; they're the same people, they just go to different churches. So we know people that these people know. And some of them are the ones who are super fundamentalist about stuff (as in, one of them said that "bonnet lit" or whatever those Christian Amish books are.... is porn for women. Seriously. Emotional porn. You have GOT to be kidding me). BUT, some of them are pretty cool. As one of the guys said, with a town that's this transitional with seasonal work, you almost have to prove yourself to people so they'll get to know you. I hate feeling like I have to prove that I'm worth liking; like me or don't, but let's just be real, you know? Whatever. So. We'll see.

All I know is that we're pretty much going to be in Jackson for another year, which is fine, but I'm already getting itchy to try a new place, see new things, all of that. And we've got one more year, so we better eventually find friends. Because we hung out with people this summer, but it's been about 8 months of just the two of us hanging out. I occasionally hang out with Kate from work, and Bryan occasionally hangs out with Kyle, but that's about it.

I have to have an answer for "so what do you guys do for fun?" eventually. Right??

Yeahhhhh... you NEED to watch this.

2011-04-07T22:39:00.000-07:00

Tilt-shift video of Jackson Hole Mountain Resort and backcountry skiing - extreme!!! And extremely cool. Ends with a beautiful shot of our lovely town. It's high def, so maximize the window.

A Tiny Day in the Jackson Hole Backcountry from Tristan Greszko on Vimeo.

Like the Dawn...

Kiddo

All I Want is My Radio

Breathing Only When Necessary

Gmork

Highs and Lows

Winter, Writing, Apathy.

Enneagram Thought of the Day

Your Type One EnneaThoughtsm for January 17th—

Remember, you will grow by moving toward those things that are symbolized by Type Seven. How can you act on your natural curiosity and playfulness today?

Yeah. Yeah it really is.

*terrified.

Snow. Snow. Snow.

Snow. Snow. Snow.

Snow. Snow. Snow.

Snow. Snow. Snow.

Ugh.

Snow. Snow. Snow.

Portlandia Meets Battlestar Galactica

Snow. Snow. Snow.

Snow. Snow. Snow.

Annunciation

Snow. Snow. Snow.

WebMD

Moments of Clarity

"there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - c.s. lewis

Proud

Always Remember: a Little Avett Brothers for Your Sunday

On Christmas and Santa

Snow

Morton Solid Perfume from The Morbid the Merrier

Cuddle weather - what it's really like

Oh yeah I forgot

Weird things that happen when Bryan is away.

Let's talk about my insecurities

Sleeping at Last and Geoff Benzing

To the super annoying, snotty woman at the Post Office.

Blech

This is My Town, This is My City, Through My Eyes Looks So Pretty

Pretty Magical

Thank You Pinterest

Initial Attempts

Pretty Wise: A Woman and a Lady

I was recently told I'd be in Slytherin... by my husband.

At "Coco Love" in Jackson

Terrified of My Heart

October 2011 Birchbox Review

HECKYESTHISISAWESOME

Harry Potter BIRTHDAY Cake!!!!!!!

You Thought a Man in Shiny Underpants Was Wrong?

Pretty Much Just for Annie.

How Do You Say... "C'est Ridicule"

Pretty Darn Cute

Pretty Song - x2

Pretty Lame Weather

Pretty Ridiculous

Our Weekly Farm Share

"What Do You Want for Your Birthday?"

Pretty Sexy

Pretty Frickin' Awesome.

Pretty Dorky

Pretty Place

Pretty Tattoo

Worship

Grrrrr, Meow

The Littlest Warbler

Social Work?

Harry Potter Boys Getting Their 'Merica On.

Exercise Update

Between the Shadow and the Soul

Happy Anniversary toooo Ussss

Harry Potter - It All Ends

Running Shoes

When she was bad she was horrid...

My Dad

Fertility Awareness Method

Lands' End Deals!!

New Math

Us

I want this.

Your Type One EnneaThought^sm for January 17^th—