Saturday, March 2, 2013

Things I've Thunk Since Getting Knocked Up

1. Vegetables are kind of gross.  I thought I'd grow out of my "ewww, veggies" stage after first trimester, but alas, it was not so.  I'm hoping I start liking them again once the little mister is born.  I can eat raw spinach and raw carrots with no problems, and corn is fine too.  Oh, and asparagus, but only if it's grilled.  Otherwise, I'm not interested.  At all.

2. An easy way to eat vegetables is to make them not taste like vegetables.  Seriously, I made smoothies every other day with about 4 cups of spinach in them, and a decent amount of carrots.  Throw in some almond milk (because I'm no longer loving regular milk either, a change I'm totally cool with), some yogurt, some frozen strawberries and a banana... it's go time.  That crap's delicious.  It looks (as one of my patients told me) like what you'd find in a drainage ditch in late August, but it tastes like happiness.  And look, Ma, veggies AND calcium!  This baby might not be born stupid after all!

3.  Sometimes you're all like, "yeah, I haven't had to deal with heartburn yet," and then BAM!  You just cursed yourself.  And apparently you can't do the old Bragg's apple cider vinegar cure that you used to use, because Bragg's is unpasteurized, which is a no-no.  And regular apple cider vinegar?  It just burns.  But it doesn't help acid reflux.  So now you're puking up even more burny stuff.  Awesome.  No.  Hope you like Prilosec, tiny baby fetus boy.

4.  Everything costs money.  People say babies cost a lot, and they're right.  Thankfully we have amazing insurance, but even little things add up.  Like a baby needs a sheet to sleep on, right?  Well, you really need three - one on the bed, one in the dirty clothes, one ready to go when the kid poops/pees/throws up on the bed.  These sheets usually run $10-20.  And you need some for the Pack n' Play if the kid is going to be sleeping in there, too.  Did you know kids need stuff?  They do.  It costs money.  Which is apparently isn't free.  Damn.

5.  Just when you think you can't get more uncomfortable, you find out that there's a whole new level of "ugh."  I'm 36 weeks pregnant, which means that kiddo can come anywhere between now and April 10th (which is when they'll induce if I haven't gone into labor yet).  Things get weirder every day.  I thought round ligament pains were nasty (and they were) but now that kiddo is bigger and lower, he likes to head-butt my cervix.  All. The. Time.  Guess how awesome that feels?  Totally awesome.  I apparently have no idea how big my belly is, because I hit things with it way too often.  I need help getting off the couch.  I wake up to roll over in the middle of the night.  My hips sometimes feel like they are totally out of whack (like one feels an inch higher, or something).  And my tits have gotten out of control.  How are they this big?  And they might get BIGGER when my milk comes in?  What exactly am I supposed to do with these things?  Use them as weapons?  And have you seen the bras that fit mammaries like this?  They aren't pretty.  They are huge, with ridiculous amounts of fabric and underwires that could be used as fishing hooks to catch leviathan.  We'll eat like kings!

6.  My huge belly makes my wide hips look less wide.  That's a plus.

7.  I'm not sure I ever want to go back to non-elasticized waistbands.  Ever.

8.  Strangers still think it's appropriate to ask how much weight I've gained.  Some of these strangers are men.  Seriously?  You're lucky I'm a friggin' classy lady.  21 pounds.  That's how much.  How much have YOU gained in the last year, random person?  Turn around, let me check out those love handles.  Yikes.  When are you going to lose YOUR baby/donut/McDonalds weight?

9.  Stairs are evil, and designed to make me sweat like a pig and breathe like an asthmatic hippo.

10.  I don't know words and stuff.  Don't ask me to name objects.  Or people.  Definitely don't ask me to define anything.  Brain no work.  Me use "thing" and "stuff" and "does stuff" a lot.  Baby take brain.  Baby super mean.

11.  Eventually I have to birth this baby.  I have lots of thoughts about that.  Lots.

12.  Last night I had tons of dreams about my kiddo.  In one, I was out shopping with him for the first time by myself, so he was really tiny.  I kept forgetting him and having to find him.  My excuse?  "I'm not used to him being outside my body."  In the second dream, he was a toddler and we were walking along the Chicago lakefront.  He ran towards the edge and almost fell off a 5 foot cement drop.  My mom caught him just in time and we were able to get him back on the boardwalk.  In my dream I am clutching him to me, rocking on the ground and screaming his name.  I woke up hyperventilating.  The kid isn't even out of my uterus yet.  This does not bode well for my sanity

13.  His room is awesome.  At least I think so.  It's happy, and bright, and I'm excited to play with him in it.

14.  With the amount of nerdy stuff we've been getting/buying, we won't have to have "The Talk" with him until he's at least 17.  I think all the Harry Potter and Doctor Who paraphernalia will set him on the path to enforced abstinence.  Which is awesome.

15.  I am really, really, really excited to meet this little human being who has been hanging out inside me.  I think he's going to be incredible.

Here's what he looks like so far:
Taken by my beautiful friend, Ashley.  She's the best photographer eva.
Kinda lumpy.

16.  It's weird but amazing to love someone you've never met.  Someone who isn't even born yet.