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Saturday, March 23, 2013

I Have a Son!!!!

Who will be known as "Atters" (which is actually his nickname) on this blog so that he can't be Googled as easily.  I think he'll appreciate that when he gets older.  Please use him nickname when you are commenting.  Thank you!




He was born via c-section at 11:28 am, and weighs 6 lbs, 14 oz.  He is 19 inches long.  He had fluid in his lungs when he was born, so he has been on oxygen.  Because of this, he's been in the nursery, and I've been in recovery, so I haven't held him.  In fact, I've just been able to touch his head and then to see him through some glass.  But I was told that I will be able to visit him in about a half hour.  I'm so excited!!!!  I need to be with my little boy.  I already love him so much.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

My Brain is on Fire

So I'm having a baby this Friday.

Holy....

Whatever.

I'm going to be induced on Thursday, so baby will most likely come sometime Friday, unless he decides to surf that amniotic fluid into the world earlier (I start being induced around 5pm Thursday and I'm supposed to sleep overnight at the hospital and give birth Friday).

My natural reaction is not to be excited and squeal-y, but to use lots of profanity and look out the window in awe.  Yep.  I don't think it will really hit me until I'm in the middle of labor.  The whole thing is surreal.  And I get to parent?  Let me rephrase that:  God/The Universe somehow is allowing me to parent.  With Bryan.  I'm humbled, awed, and a little confused by the whole thing.  Shouldn't we require permits or something for this?  Seems like a pretty big deal.  I have to show proof of residency to get internet hooked up.  I mean.  Yeah.

Moving on.

I'm on bedrest, but only for 2.5 days.  Which pretty much means it's like an exxxtttraaaa weeeeeekend.  I am not supposed to do stuff (like cook or clean or move much from off the bed or couch) and I'm feeling both incredibly lazy and like I should be getting shiz DONE.  Which I am not.

On the other hand, I've watched Glee, eaten some cinnamon swirl crunch bread, had a cup of tea, and had four cookies.  So.  There's that.

Also:  according to my doctors, who weigh me in full clothes/shoes/cellphonecarryingstuff mode, I've gained thirty pounds.

Lies.

According to my ridiculously weight gain graph that I use every other day or so, I'm at exactly 24 pounds.  Eat it, doctor's office.  No one really weighs themselves in full clothes.  We do things the civilized way: you only weigh in the morning.  Naked.  After your morning poop.  Duh.

So that means that I can gain a full pound of cookies in the next 2.5 days.  Yeah.  Bring it on lemon cookies.  Apple cinnamon cookies.  Orange cranberry cookies.  UNF.  So good.

Also, I should be preparing by meditating, doing my Hypnobabies course and thinking happy thoughts, or something.  I'm sure.  But so far I'm just playing on the internet.  Lalala.  I'll have a human life to contend with at the end of the week.  Gotta soak up the lazy, irresponsible moments now.

In completely other news:  I have a compulsion to buy any perfume/cologne sample that promises to smell like Earl Grey.  It's true.  I used to swear by The Morbid The Merrier's "Morton," but the shop has since closed and there was all sorts of hullabaloo with orders not being filled.  It took almost a full year to get my refund back from an order I placed before they closed.

Drama.

But now... now I am back in the "I need to buy crap on Etsy that smells pretty" train. My new favorite is Alkemia Perfume's "Arcanum," perfumed oil.  It's delicious.  Alkemia sells really interesting and diverse perfumes, and they have an incredibly lovely habit of sending samples with your order.  LOVE!  Arcanum is one of the many perfumes I've sampled so far, and I love it the most.  Here's the description:

An enigmatic yet compelling blend of seductive eastern spices, aged patchouli, and sandalwood. Frankincense, nag champa, and dragons blood deepen the mystery.

YUM.  It's less head-shop smelly than the "Hippy Gypsy" perfume Alkemia sells, and has less of the slightly cleaner-esque hint that "Sanguinea" carries.  I am in love with it.  This is the sort of patchouli blend that wouldn't make my friend Lindsay run for the hills.  She sort of hated when I wore patchouli and gardenia back in college because she thought it smelled like straight up dirt.  Or something worse, I'm not sure.  I was in LOVE with it, but I get that each scent smells different to different people.  I think Arcanum has enough spiciness and nag champa to keep it from smelling too dirty.

And my newest interest (relating to the previous ramble about Earl Grey) is Sweet Tea Apothecary's "Dead Writers" perfume/cologne.   


J.T., our fabulous apothecary, describes the scent as such:

This blend evokes the feeling of sitting in an old library chair paging through yellowed copies of Hemingway, Shakespeare, Fitzgerald, Poe, and more. The Dead Writers blend makes you want to put on a kettle of black tea and curl up with your favorite book.  This bottle contains black tea, vetiver, clove, musk, vanilla, heliotrope, and tobacco. It can be worn by either sex.

On her blog, she goes into more detail:

Do you wear patches on your elbows and sit in dimly lit rooms drinking black coffee or tea smoking packs of clove cigarettes (Djarum Blacks)? If this describes you, or you’re just the type of person who prefers a “dirty perfume” then put some of this on before you head out to work on that novel at the local coffee shop. Dead Writers is musky and has a stale smoke smell. It is lightened by some vanilla and heliotrope (a flower that in combination with the vanilla smells like a sweet milk creamer you might add to your tea). If you’ve never had a musky perfume and want to live dangerously without smelling homeless, go for the Georgiana.
Now.  I have an issue with wanting my perfumes dirty, and I love the scent of tea in perfumes. The issue is that I need and want and gah.

I also decided to pick up a sample of Georgiana, which is supposed to smell like this:

Are you a lady who dresses for dinner and… I can’t think of anything clever, basically you are Dowager Countess Maggie Smith elegance. Georgiana literally smells like a cup of Earl Grey tea. It’s my most subtle perfume and has a soft, sultry, smokiness that is perfect for an evening on the town. I wear this one when I want to be fancy. If you were interested in the smokiness of Dead Writers but don’t want to overdo it with the musk, then Georgiana is the one for you. The bergamot really brightens it up and it smells more feminine. 


Sold.  I want to smell like soft, sultry, smoky Earl Grey.  DONE.  PLEASE.  NEED NOW.

So.  I got a few samples of that, because hey, I'm destined to sit on the couch for the next few days.  Why can't I dream of smelling pretty/dirty in the meantime?? 

If you can't tell from this post, my brain is on fire.  Meaning I'm all over the place and the tiniest bit manic.  But I'm having a kid in three days.  So.  I think this is to be understood.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Tits McGee


Seriously? Seriously??? They make nursing bras in this size? More importantly.... How did my rack get this big???? These things are dangerous.


Saturday, March 2, 2013

Things I've Thunk Since Getting Knocked Up

1. Vegetables are kind of gross.  I thought I'd grow out of my "ewww, veggies" stage after first trimester, but alas, it was not so.  I'm hoping I start liking them again once the little mister is born.  I can eat raw spinach and raw carrots with no problems, and corn is fine too.  Oh, and asparagus, but only if it's grilled.  Otherwise, I'm not interested.  At all.

2. An easy way to eat vegetables is to make them not taste like vegetables.  Seriously, I made smoothies every other day with about 4 cups of spinach in them, and a decent amount of carrots.  Throw in some almond milk (because I'm no longer loving regular milk either, a change I'm totally cool with), some yogurt, some frozen strawberries and a banana... it's go time.  That crap's delicious.  It looks (as one of my patients told me) like what you'd find in a drainage ditch in late August, but it tastes like happiness.  And look, Ma, veggies AND calcium!  This baby might not be born stupid after all!

3.  Sometimes you're all like, "yeah, I haven't had to deal with heartburn yet," and then BAM!  You just cursed yourself.  And apparently you can't do the old Bragg's apple cider vinegar cure that you used to use, because Bragg's is unpasteurized, which is a no-no.  And regular apple cider vinegar?  It just burns.  But it doesn't help acid reflux.  So now you're puking up even more burny stuff.  Awesome.  No.  Hope you like Prilosec, tiny baby fetus boy.

4.  Everything costs money.  People say babies cost a lot, and they're right.  Thankfully we have amazing insurance, but even little things add up.  Like a baby needs a sheet to sleep on, right?  Well, you really need three - one on the bed, one in the dirty clothes, one ready to go when the kid poops/pees/throws up on the bed.  These sheets usually run $10-20.  And you need some for the Pack n' Play if the kid is going to be sleeping in there, too.  Did you know kids need stuff?  They do.  It costs money.  Which is apparently isn't free.  Damn.

5.  Just when you think you can't get more uncomfortable, you find out that there's a whole new level of "ugh."  I'm 36 weeks pregnant, which means that kiddo can come anywhere between now and April 10th (which is when they'll induce if I haven't gone into labor yet).  Things get weirder every day.  I thought round ligament pains were nasty (and they were) but now that kiddo is bigger and lower, he likes to head-butt my cervix.  All. The. Time.  Guess how awesome that feels?  Totally awesome.  I apparently have no idea how big my belly is, because I hit things with it way too often.  I need help getting off the couch.  I wake up to roll over in the middle of the night.  My hips sometimes feel like they are totally out of whack (like one feels an inch higher, or something).  And my tits have gotten out of control.  How are they this big?  And they might get BIGGER when my milk comes in?  What exactly am I supposed to do with these things?  Use them as weapons?  And have you seen the bras that fit mammaries like this?  They aren't pretty.  They are huge, with ridiculous amounts of fabric and underwires that could be used as fishing hooks to catch leviathan.  We'll eat like kings!

6.  My huge belly makes my wide hips look less wide.  That's a plus.

7.  I'm not sure I ever want to go back to non-elasticized waistbands.  Ever.

8.  Strangers still think it's appropriate to ask how much weight I've gained.  Some of these strangers are men.  Seriously?  You're lucky I'm a friggin' classy lady.  21 pounds.  That's how much.  How much have YOU gained in the last year, random person?  Turn around, let me check out those love handles.  Yikes.  When are you going to lose YOUR baby/donut/McDonalds weight?

9.  Stairs are evil, and designed to make me sweat like a pig and breathe like an asthmatic hippo.

10.  I don't know words and stuff.  Don't ask me to name objects.  Or people.  Definitely don't ask me to define anything.  Brain no work.  Me use "thing" and "stuff" and "does stuff" a lot.  Baby take brain.  Baby super mean.

11.  Eventually I have to birth this baby.  I have lots of thoughts about that.  Lots.

12.  Last night I had tons of dreams about my kiddo.  In one, I was out shopping with him for the first time by myself, so he was really tiny.  I kept forgetting him and having to find him.  My excuse?  "I'm not used to him being outside my body."  In the second dream, he was a toddler and we were walking along the Chicago lakefront.  He ran towards the edge and almost fell off a 5 foot cement drop.  My mom caught him just in time and we were able to get him back on the boardwalk.  In my dream I am clutching him to me, rocking on the ground and screaming his name.  I woke up hyperventilating.  The kid isn't even out of my uterus yet.  This does not bode well for my sanity

13.  His room is awesome.  At least I think so.  It's happy, and bright, and I'm excited to play with him in it.

14.  With the amount of nerdy stuff we've been getting/buying, we won't have to have "The Talk" with him until he's at least 17.  I think all the Harry Potter and Doctor Who paraphernalia will set him on the path to enforced abstinence.  Which is awesome.

15.  I am really, really, really excited to meet this little human being who has been hanging out inside me.  I think he's going to be incredible.

Here's what he looks like so far:
Taken by my beautiful friend, Ashley.  She's the best photographer eva.
Kinda lumpy.

16.  It's weird but amazing to love someone you've never met.  Someone who isn't even born yet.