Saturday, June 9, 2012

Are You Guys Thinking of Having Kids?

This is the way most people phrase the question, and I'm grateful for that.  Not "when are you going to have kids?" or "why don't you guys have kids yet?"  I'm thankful people ask the open-ended question because yes, we are thinking of having kids, and no, I don't appreciate the sentiment that we should have them already.  I also really don't like the terminology "when are you going to start a family?"  I've said it myself before ("We're thinking of starting a family), and then thought, "UGH, why did I say that?"  Because Bryan and I?  We're a family.  Yeah, there's just two of us, but that doesn't make us somehow LESS.  It also doesn't make us immature; children do not equal maturity, no matter what some people think.

Here's the thing, though: apparently it might be difficult for us to have kids.  So says my primary provider, at least.  Apparently my follicle stimulating hormone is wonky.  So that's sort of lame.  We've "tried" for about nine months now.  I say "tried" in quotation marks because we haven't been super duper serious about it like some people.  I've had friends who are trying to conceive that have sex three times a day.  I'm going to honest: I don't want to have sex three times a day in order to have a baby.  I love sex, but I am weirdly AGAINST having sex JUST to get pregnant.  I don't want it to become a task.  I realize that having sex to get pregnant is sort of a normal, natural, hey-that's-part-of-what-it's-about thing, but I'm not into it.

That said, I have been putting a bit of pressure on myself to get pregnant.  Not physically, really, but emotionally.  Bryan and I have had a really stressful month, and I am sure that's not helping.

So right now my answer to "Are you guys thinking of having kids?" is "Yes, when it happens, it happens."  When we do get pregnant, I'll be terrified but excited.  I do want kids.  Sometimes only one.  But probably two.  But as of right now, I'm no longer going to take my temperature in the morning, I'm not going to freak out when I'm fertile (if I'm fertile), and I'm not going to take multiple pregnancy tests.  In all honesty, the idea of having a baby, or really, the idea of having a CHILD freaks the hell out of me.  I'm loving the freedom of being in my late twenties.  I want to go out with my girlfriends and have a drink or two.  I want to sleep in late on the weekends.  And I really, really like being DINKs (Double Income, No Kids) and not worrying all the time about money.

I'm willing to wait for this.

So for right now, I'm trying to be Zen about the whole thing.  If we get pregnant, we get pregnant, and that's great.  If we don't get pregnant this year, then alright.  We'll re-evaluate in January.  I'll consider Clomid if we haven't conceived by then.  But I'm not going to beat myself up over the whole thing.  I am going to get back to exercising every day, because that slipped a lot since Bryan's back injury (which still hurts every single day, so we'd love prayer for that); I used his necessary sedentary lifestyle as an excuse to sit my butt down and not doing anything, and I'm back up in my weight.

So this summer, my goals are to walk to work when it's nice out (5 out of 5 days last week!), to enjoy my friends (Ricky and Danny live in Jackson again, at least for the summer, and I've got my girls Ashley and Caroline, as well as Trent, Cody, and Kendra), and to just relax and enjoy being a 27 year old married woman (almost five years!!) who has a steady job (even if I don't like working... anywhere), good friends, an awesome husband, and freedom to drink gin and tonics whenever I darn well please.  And I'm good with that.