Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Let's talk about my insecurities

Yeah, let's.

So the other day Bryan and I were sitting in church, getting our Jesus on and what have you.  Standing, kneeling, reciting and praying at the appropriate times (going to an Episcopal church is a workout compared to the other churches I've attended!).  This girl takes the empty spot next to me in the pew, and I look at her real quick and smile, because I'm nice like that.  Then I take another look at her and I'm like "Oh NO she did not just sit next to me."

Why would I think such a mean thought?

Because she looked like this:

Okay, so not exactly like that.  But she had almost a food on me in height, and, no kidding, her thighs were as tiny as my arms.  Okay.  That's an exaggeration, but still.  Not only that, she was dressed in boots, skinny jeans, and a plaid flannel shirt.  AND SHE LOOKED AWESOME.  And I felt like a hippopotamus with a bad case of acne next to her.

I try not to be like that, all "Uhhhh I feel so fat/ugly/normal-person-y."  But sometimes my insecurities come out and all I can think is "there's no possible way for me to look like that."  And there's not.  Nothing is going to make me taller, and you can only get so skinny, right?  And with hips like mine, I'm NEVER going to fit into a pair of size 4 jeans.  Ever.  It's just not possible, understand?

And most of the time I'm okay with my body and I think I'm cute and blah blah blah.  But now and then, I get all "uuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhh."  I'm trying to get over.  For a long time I weighed myself every day, and then my friend Ashley told me that was dumb, or something like that.  And so now I only weigh myself once a week.  And, yay me, I've kept off the 6-7 pounds I lost earlier this year.  I'm still a good 15-20 lbs more than I'd like to be, but isn't that life?

Anyways.  I'm trying to have a better conception of beauty, and what I like about myself.  And although it may sound counter-intuitive, I've been trying to take a bit more time to make myself feel pretty.  Meaning that I'm actually picking out my clothes with a more discerning eye, and I'm wearing makeup that brings out my features and I'm wearing cute accessories.  And to a lot of women, this is the opposite of what I should be doing.  Many would say that I should embrace my weight, my make-up-less face (zits and all, and there are so many more now than when I was on birth control pills....), and my sometimes not-great hair.  But you know what?  I say rubbish.  Sure, I know I look fine without makeup - in fact, I wear makeup maybe 70-80% of the time, so it's not like I have to be wearing it to feel like a worthwhile human being.  But here's the deal, folks: I like makeup.  I like bringing out my features and I like feeling pretty.  And if mascara and cover-up and some eyeliner helps me feel pretty, then dude, I'm going to wear it.

I've decided to learn how to do more to my hair than simply brush it.  So I wear it curly sometimes (which I think is way cute) and other times I straighten it so it's sleek and sometimes I just muss it up a bit.  The last two days I've worn this sort of cool braid thingy on one side:

Cute and super easy.  It looks even better if your hair is a bit dirty - the bits that fall down are more defined that way.

And I'm going to attempt this on the cruise (January!!!)

AND I learned how to properly sculpt my eyebrows (apparently there is more than just plucking involved??) Yeah. 

So yeah.  I'm trying.  Trying to learn how to do things that make me feel pretty, and feminine, and trying not to concentrate on having a model's body.  I'm not promising that I'm all of a sudden going to feel awesome about my weight or my pants size or whatever.  My hip bones are never going to do that skinny-girl protruding thing, and my shoulder blades don't stick out and say "hey, notice me."   When I was in high school, I often wanted to look "hot."  Which meant tight shirts and revealing necklines and all of that rubbish.  But I don't feel COMFORTABLE in that sort of outfit, nor should I.  But when I embrace my feminine side, complete with ruffles and pretty eyeshadow and saucy nailpolish and flouncy skirts, I feel lovely.  And that's way more important that feeling hot.

(I still don't want to sit next to that girl in church, though.)