Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Life in Jackson in November

Just this last month, the stress of moving to a new apartment, starting a new job, and not having a church or group of friends here started to really hit me.  I wish that I could say that stress doesn't really bother me, but the opposite is true.  I'm quite easily stressed, and it's started showing.

Just the other day I was calling a customer service line for a magazine.  They put me on hold for almost 20 minute and then pretty much didn't help me at all, just gave me another number.  I called the other number and the guy said he couldn't help me, and that I'd have to call a third number, but only on certain days at certain times.  This is after I tried rectifying this problem online for a good month.  I was so frustrated and furious that I lashed out and pretty much had a huge hissy fit.  It was not pretty.

Later on Bryan mentioned that he would be gone to Utah in December for two weeks, but that he decided to come home in between those weeks to see me, because he knew that I wouldn't do too well with him away and me by myself in a town where I didn't have friends.  I started to cry, because he's absolutely right.  I am thankful that he realized that and was sensitive to it and thoughtful, but I do wish that he didn't have to worry about me.  He told me "yeah that's sort of part of marriage... I get to worry."  Later that night when we went to bed I got upset about something or other, and then complained about my weight, and then something else... and Bryan hugged me and told me, in as nice a way as he could, that the way I was acting was reminding him of our first year in California.

It was not a great year.

I got more upset, because I had been thinking the same thing.  I'm stressed and lonely and I gained weight and I'm unhappy more than I should be.  On the whole, I'm doing well, but I do have low points that are not pleasant.  And it was starting to feel like our first year in California to me as well, and that scared me.  Bryan was really awesome and comforting.  I did point out that I was experiencing anxiety or panic attacks like I had in California, and I was very glad for that.  But when I went to bed yesterday, I started to feel the familiar heart pounding and shaky feeling I get when I have a panic attack.  I was able to calm down (although I thought I was already calm, but apparently, not) and relax and sleep, and it went away.  But I am all the more aware that it is just beneath the surface, and if I'm not careful, it could overwhelm me.

I wish that I didn't have these sorts of problems.  I used to think that I was broken, in a way, because of my anxiety.  Since I only experience it once or twice a year now, I like to think of myself as "fixed," but I'm not, because anxiety is just a part of me.  Some people have bad hearts or bad teeth or bad knees.  I have a bad stress response, I guess.  Thankfully I have learned how to better control it and keep it at bay, but I'm realizing (again) that it's just a part of my personality.

What a bummer.

Yesterday was good, though.  I did fine at work, and I was looking forward to only a half day of work left for this week (tomorrow is my half day).  I am just doing things around the house tonight, which isn't bad.  And last night when I was getting off of work Bryan called me and let me know that we'd be invited over to a coworker's home to watch the Denver Broncos.  I don't care at ALL about sports, and I don't understand football, and I wouldn't know anyone there, but I said yes.  I knew that we needed a bit of socialization.  And it was fun!  We hung out with Bryan's coworker and his family, as well as 5 other people.  And we had a good time.  We found out that they are all Christians, which is sort of cool since we share the same faith.  They told us the churches they go to, and we're going to try out two of them in the next two weeks.  They said the churches are charismatic, which is usually a big red flag to me, but then they said that they don't speak in tongues, which is sort of the big thing about charismatic churches that really freaks me out.  So I'm not sure exactly what it is that makes them charismatic.  Maybe they believe in healing or revelation?  I'm not sure.  But they all seemed to really like the churches they went to, and they seemed like cool people.  A bit more conservative than we are, but then again, it is the West, and not all Christians are like those that we found at Catalyst in California.  So I think we'll try it out.  One church has a 10:45 service and is in Jackson, and the other meets on Monday nights, I think, at the old schoolhouse in Wilson.  So we'll see.  At least we know there are a fair amount of people our age, which is cool.

So I'm trying to persevere.  I really hope that we find a church that we feel comfortable in, because I'm already sick of searching, and we've only been to two.  That's pathetic, I know.  I miss a lot of what we had at Catalyst, and I miss having girlfriends I can talk to about anything.  I know that we'll be able to find one or both of those things if we keep looking.  I'm trying to remind myself of those things, and to look for the good in things.  It's going to be a long, cold, lonely winter if I don't, and I don't want that.  I know things will get better and this will really start feeling like our home. 

So that's how I'm doing, really.  Better than the normal response of "good," eh?  I will try to blog more but because I sort of going through this transition and stressful time, I may only be blogging twice a week or so.  I will try to keep updating pictures, even if they are just from my cell phone.  Thank you all for sticking with me as I go through this adjustment. 

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