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Sunday, August 15, 2010

"You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living." - Chis McCandless, as recounted by Jon Krakauer in his book based on Chris' life, "Into the Wild"
 This was one of my favorite quotes in college.  I still like it, but more and more I realize that I really AM an extrovert in that I NEED people.  Joy may not emanate only from human relationships; I have many things that I find joy in.  But for me, things become MORE joyful when they are shared.  Which means that I'm having a lot of less-than-optimally-joyful experiences in Jackson.

I love Jackson.  I do, a whole lot.  But I don't have any close friends besides my husband.  And that's super hard for me.  I work in the office all day by myself; 50 hours a week sitting in a basement by myself.  I love my job -- it's super easy, I don't have to do a whole lot, I get to watch a ton of tv or read or crochet.  But it's done... alone.

Bryan works longer hours than I do.  I get off work at 3pm on Sundays and spend 3pm-8pm... alone.  Now that I've upped my hours, I have less time at home alone, but I still have Wednesday and Saturday from when I wake up until 1pm.... alone.  It doesn't sound like that much time, but when you count that plus the 50 hours at work alone... I get lonely, I seriously get lonely.  And as dumb as it sounds, it really does affect my self-image, in some ways.  I think to myself, "I'm hella frickin fun.  Why am I not hanging out with people??"

Bryan works with people all day.  He is rarely by himself.  Plus, he's an introvert, so he needs to be alone to 'recharge his batteries.'  So he doesn't really get that I'm having a hard time.  He GETS it, but he doesn't really understand my issue so much.  I don't know if he can, really.  He just thinks I'm feeling sad for myself.  And I totally am.  But there are things I wanted to do this summer that I just don't want to do alone, especially hikes.  I don't hike alone.  Don't want to be bear meat or piss off a moose. 

I need to get better at being alone outside my house.  I sort of suck at it, unless I'm running or something.  I laid outside the other day and got some sun, and went again a few days later and laid out and read.  That in itself was sort of hard for me to do.  I just like being around people and talking to people and sharing the things I love with people.  So it's hard for me to not do that.

I thought about going to yoga classes or something like that, but Bryan said that won't really be the best place to meet people since you're not really talking much.  He said we'd look for a church come October, which would be good.  I am starting to miss church (not that much, but a bit), and as Bryan said, "people there feel morally obligated to be friends with you," which is funny, and sort of true.  Hopefully we find a church that isn't super lame and isn't super legalistic or conservative.  I doubt that will happen really.  But maybe we'll find something that's sort of okay. 

So yeah.  That's my pity party.  I miss friends.  Obviously I miss the friends I already have that aren't here, but I also just miss HAVING friends to hang out with.  And I miss Molly a lot.  Really wish she was coming back instead of staying in Chicago and having to get a divorce (still a little pissed about that).  But my mom is flying in on Saturday, and my dad is flying in on Monday, and I'm working the next two days (my days off) so I can get two more days off while they are here.

And that's something.

Pity party is now over.

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